


i'm not crazy, i'm just a little unwell

by redsweater



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, High School AU, M/M, and really cheesy stuff said, disorder, squint for harry/louis, there's angst, zayn and liam are boyfriends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-07
Updated: 2013-11-07
Packaged: 2017-12-31 18:48:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 27,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1035153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redsweater/pseuds/redsweater
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You need to get over the fact we haven’t shared everything together babe,” Liam mumbles tired.</p><p>Zayns shakes his head, “I do not. Couples must experience everything together. I know smoking our first cigarette together is stupid, but it makes me happy considering I didn’t get drunk with you my first time, nor did I lose my virginity to you.” Zayn gives Liam a pointed look, like he dares him to say something about that topic.</p><p>zayn is special, and liam's in love</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'm not crazy, i'm just a little unwell

**Author's Note:**

> this is long, and i wrote it out of bordem and with the help of a few friends, i thought why not try and make it into something serious and finish it off. it got the better of me, and in the end, i just wanted to post it to get it off off my chest. thank you to those who helped, i love you. 
> 
> as always, all mistakes are my own. and there is so many words in this fic, there is bound to be more then i'd like. 
> 
> also, i'm not from england, so the schooling system in this, will be inaccurate- though i did try to stick with it as much as i could. 
> 
> happy reading :)

The human body is one the most spectacular sources of knowledge. To study and understand the concept of how an organ and system work within one another is truly life changing. Okay, maybe not life changing, Liam thinks, but definitely something everyone should be happy to learn about.  When Liam was six he broke his wrist falling down the stairs. He didn't even cry, too overwhelmed by the throbbing pain, his mother’s tears and father's yelling. He just stood there at the bottom of the steps, looking between his parents and holding his wrist as he felt the actual pain. He even noticed a bone sticking out, and somehow it fascinated him. He was so captivated by the bone; he didn't even hear his mum yelling, “Stop that Liam! Are you crazy?”  Or his dads groaning. No, all he heard was the snapping and cracking of bones. Ever since then he’s had a small, weird obsession with bodies, not only the inside but the out as well.

Liam loved the way a finger twitched, or hands clapped or a foot twisted. It all came back to the connection they had with each other. The bone being attached to another bone by ligaments which is giving you the ability to walk, run, move, however you please. Even when it’s not connected, it is always connected.

His love for the human body then moved onto his love for health. It didn't even make sense, since he was far from healthy himself. But the thought of retaining information in this field, inspired Liam to search deeper into the subject, learn everything he possibly could. For example, take a sexually transmitted disease and think about it for a moment. Not only have you received the infection which may cause you to feel weak, sicker and make you unable to have sexual intercourse with people. It leaves your skin with rashes, breakouts, which then seeps into your core, goes to your bones, demolishes the system within. It’s all connected, and for some reason, that fascinates Liam more than it should.

Right now he’s In class listening to Mrs. Prescott rant on about putting a condom on the penis  _aka_  the massive, thick banana. While this once excited Liam when he was thirteen, he is now sixteen and knows how to use a condom, though he rarely uses them. Zayn hates it.

The bell finally rings and Liam packs up quickly, happy to actually be leaving health class. He walks towards his locker, spotting Zayn sitting on ground, his eyes closed and head tipped back on the lockers. With his head tipped back, Liam can clearly see the sharp, arch of his jawline. It's quite a beautiful sight to see and Liam feels himself twitch in he’s uncomfortable school pants. He watches the way Zayn's slender fingers are drumming on his knee to whatever music he may be listening to. His left leg is twitching along to the rhythm; however that has become a reoccurring thing with Zayn. Liam's not entirely sure if it’s the song or just a new habit he recently picked up. Zayn suddenly looks up, as if he sensing Liam’s presence, and smiles widely at him. His eyes scrunch up and his cute, pink tongue pokes out. He removes his headphones quickly, letting them hang around his neck. Liam returns the smile, swallowing down saliva in his mouth, hoping it can drown drown the butterflies that flutter in his stomach whenever his around his boyfriend. 

 He steps towards his locker, while looking down at Zayn, “Aren't you supposed to be in maths?”

Zayn gets up, shrugs, “I had double period today, decided to skip it.”

Liam turns to lean on his locker facing him. He examines Zayn, notices the bags under his eyes are darker than usual.  _“The world is moving too fast Liam; we can’t just stop and let it pass us by.”_

Zayn leans in, captures his lips tender at first and then it turns desperate. He opens his mouth, lets Zayn’s tongue slide in. Liam slips his fingers in his hair, it’s soft today, the way he likes it. Zayn moves more forward, hands coming down to his zipper. He pulls away, “Oh, no you don’t.” Zayn pouts.

He grabs Liam’s tie, twirls it around his fingers. “What are you doing after school?”

Liam shrugs, “Nothing. What do you have planned?”

Zayn bounces on his toes and starts silently clapping his hands like an excited baby seal, delighted to tell his new idea. “Okay, so I stole my dad’s cigarettes, and I think we should go to the park after and smoke some.”

“I thought you didn't want us to smoke because you said, and I quote babe, "Knowing our luck, we will get cancer.’”

He stops clapping and shakes his head, fringe falling in front of his eyes slightly, looking at Liam like he’d said the most ridiculous thing. “Well, last night I was online and I read our star signs, apparently we’re gonna live a long life, so I think we should try it together.”

Liam’s eyebrows raise, “Huh, star signs?”

Zayn groans, “Don’t you ever listen to me? Fuck-I- I just. I told you last week." He rolls his eyes, biting his bottom lip down, "I've decided to become a psychic reader, but the ones who work with people’s star signs and stuff. I even looked up ours. Babe, did you know we’re compatible? Capricorn and Virgo are an ideal combination and-”

“Zayn, get to the point," Liam interrupts Zayn before he can begin to ramble.

“That is my point. I’m going to become a psychic reader, and since we’re going to live longer than I expected we can smoke now. Like, yeah right now. Like-.”

Liam laughs loudly, his eyes crinkling in the sides, “What?” Zayn asks frowning a bit.

“Nothing, it’s just adorable how you’re so excited to smoke a cigarette. Imagine yourself with weed.”

Zayn's eyes open up eager and wide, thoughtfully, “We need to try that next, but baby steps first."

The second bell goes, indicating that everyone should be in second period. “What are you going to do this period?” Liam asks tentatively already knowing the answer.

Zayn shrugs for the millionth time, “I want a new jumper. I’ll go to the shopping centre and get something. Want anything?”

Liam sighs, rubbing the back of his neck, “Zayn, you need to stop stealing. One day you’re going to get caught.”

“Oh well,” Zayn says nonchalantly, hurriedly picking his bag off the ground, kisses Liam once more, before pulling back and bringing his arms around Liam’s neck, “Mum made a nutella sandwich today; i'll share with you at break.”

Liam unwraps himself from Zayn’s arms and grabs his hands, intertwines their fingers together, and briefly kisses them before saying “Don’t get caught, babe.”

Zayn just waves him off, “I won’t.”

~

By the end of the day, Liam’s worn out, he doesn’t know how since he slept more than enough  last night, he doesn’t play any sports. And really all he does is spend time with Zayn or play Mario kart with Harry and Louis. Maybe he’s just realising how lazy he truly is.

He spots Zayn by the front of the gate, parading back and forth. He whistles, Zayn looks up, grinning while he runs and jumps into his arms. “I’m so excited,” he says in between kisses.

Liam puts him down, tangles their fingers. “The park near my house?”

Zayn just nods and starts to walk ahead, dragging Liam with him. “Babe, slow down. yeah?” He tugs on his hand, slowing him down, “little eager don’t you think?” Liam asks too many questions and Zayn talks too much.

“Liam, you don’t understand, do you? We’re going to be smoking together for the first time.” Zayn giggles, “it’s so exciting. I don’t know why you’re not as excited as me.”

Liam averts his eyes, “It’s never been something I was tempted to do.”

Zayn comes to a halt and turns to him, eyebrows drawn, “You haven’t smoked before have you?”

“No.”

Zayn beams, his smile stretching wide and a wicked expression on his delicate features, “Okay good, I thought you had and I was about to get really angry.”

“You need to get over the fact we haven’t shared everything together babe,” Liam mumbles tired.

Zayns shakes his head, “I do not. Couples must experience everything together. I know smoking our first cigarette together is stupid, but it makes me happy considering I didn’t get drunk with you my first time, nor did I lose my virginity to you.” Zayn gives Liam a pointed look, like he dares him to say something about that topic.

Liam rolls his eyes; on a daily basis Zayn will somehow find a way to bring up the fact they didn’t lose their virginities together. Liam lost his virginity to a girl named Lauren at a party last year. She had nice boobs and he was a little tipsy. It wasn’t what he thought it would be like though; there was no spark when they kissed, he didn’t feel any butterflies, like he feels with Zayn. But alas, he was no longer a virgin and had bragged to his friends about it. One of them being Zayn, who called him a slut and didn’t speak to him for a week.

“What the fuck?”

Louis shrugged, “I honestly give up on him, Liam.”

“Yeah, yeah, yet you pick him up from Niall’s house every weekend when he’s drunk, bring him to my house in tears. I don’t know what you say to him but I’ll find out.”

“I don’t say anything to him; he’s just an emotional drunk, who relies on you too much. Way  _too_  much.”

“I don’t see anything wrong with that,” Liam mumbled keeping his gaze down, fixing his eyes on the floor.

“Of course you don’t, but now he’s annoyed at you ‘cause you lost your virginity. Put it together mate, come on.”

 A week later, Zayn came over his house, extremely smug, Liam wanted to be angry. “You fucking ignored me for a week Zayn, what the fuck was up your ass.”

“Not you,” Zayn had muttered. Liam raised his eyebrows.

“But actually, I just came from Emily’s house,” Zayn’s voice suddenly getting cheery. His eyes were bright, almost glowing with happiness and a little smug still played at the tip of his lips.

Liam glared at him waiting for him to continue. He didn’t. Actually, no he wouldn’t. Liam sighed, “So?”

“We had sex.”

The air was knocked out of Liam’s lungs and he barely choked out, “You told me you hated her.”

“Yes well, I did, but then I hated you more, so decided to fuck her.” Zayn lies on Liam’s bed, his hands behind his head. “Now we’re even, both not virgins,” smirk evident on his face.

Liam gaped at that, speechless, was he dreaming? He literally had no idea what to say, a part of him was livid, extremely livid. Zayn ignored him for one week, so he could come back to tell him he was no longer a virgin, like, because Liam had sex, Zayn felt he had to also. The other part of him was jealous, that was his Zayn. And this special moment, which should’ve been shared between two people in love, was tainted by a girl named Emily with greasy hair- who probably didn’t know anything about Zayn, expect for the size of his dick. Liam mirrored Zayn, laid down beside him so their sides were touching.

“This wasn’t a competition.”

He turned his head, grabbing Zayn’s jaw so they’re face to face. He traced his thumb along Zayn’s smooth skin, watching the way he averts his eyes, looking everywhere, but at Liam. “You should’ve waited for someone who cares about you, loves you,” Liam whispered. He knew he sounded like a hypocrite but he couldn’t help saying the words. Zayn glanced up, making eye contact. “So should‘ve you,” Zayn whispered back eyes full of sadness and regret.

 ~

They’re sitting under a tree at the local park, Zayn eventually decided; this is where they should sit. “If we sit on the swings, kids might come and see us and I don’t want to be a bad influence, and if we sit on the table, parents can’t watch their kids play, you know. Also they might give us dirty looks for smoking at the park. Should we smoke at the park? Liam, I don’t think we should do it here.”

Liam rolled his eyes and dragged Zayn to the huge tree, which looked very green compared to the others.

“Okay?” Zayn shakes his head, folding his legs, and then shifts forward until their knees are touching.

“Do you know how to smoke,” Zayn asks him seriously.

“Zayn, this is both our first time, neither of us do.” Liam deadpans.

“I don’t like your attitude,” Zayn snaps back instantly.

“I love that you didn’t gel your hair today.” Liam changes the subject, playing with the tip of Zayn’s dark hair.

Zayn leans into him, easily distracted, “I know you like it when it isn’t done.” He hums under his breath.

Liam gets on his knees, moves forward to kiss Zayn, “knew you do it for me and only me,” He starts to deepen the kiss, tries to push Zayn back so he can crawl on top of him and grind-

Zayn shoves him off lightly, “No Liam. Smoke first then we can make out.”

“Fine, fine.” He gets back to the same position as before, determined to try Zayn’s plan out which shockingly, won’t get them in trouble by the law, disturb his sleep and doesn’t require physical activity. “Show me.”

“Well, I think all we do is,” Zayn grabs a cigarette, places it to his mouth, and then lights it up. He inhales for a few seconds, before he starts coughing, Liam pats his back softly, “Are you okay?”

Zayn waves him off, and inhales again. Liam watches as he sucks in the smoke, the tip of the cigarette burning as he holds it in for a few seconds before turning his head to blow it out.

“This is easy.” Zayn hands over the cigarette, “try it.”

Liam does. It tastes disgusting on the tip of his tongue, leaves a bitter taste at the back of his throat as he inhales the smoke. There is nothing great about smoking, although Zayn does look good with a cigarette in his hand.

Liam notices the new jumper Zayn’s wearing; it’s black with a yellow outline of the batman symbol. “That’s the jumper you stole?” Liam hands him the cigarette.

Zayn takes another drag. “Stole it so we can both share.”

Liam examines it properly; the jumper is swallowing him up, bigger around the shoulders, the sleeves rolled up so they don’t cover his hands.

They take turns having drags until it’s near the end. Zayn flicks it away, but then gets up, runs to where he flicked it and steps on it, “just in case a fire starts.”

Zayn falls into Liam’s lap, and starts mouthing at his neck, “god, you’re so hot.”

Liam just laughs a little, tips his head back, giving him more access.

Zayn pulls back, eyes intense on Liam’s, “I wanna suck your dick, so bad.”

“Yeah,” Liam breathes out, his voice trembling. “When we get back to mine, Mum’s got a late shift.” He goes to capture Zayn's lips; Zayn shakes his head and continues to suck on his neck, “wanna suck you off here. Now.”

“ _Zayn_.”

“Please Liam. I just wanna feel you in my mouth, it’s been days.” His voice becomes needy and desperate.

“You sucked me off yesterday morning, and we’re in public.”

Liam lets Zayn push him against the grass, holds his waist as he sits on top of him, thighs on either side of his hips. “I don’t care where we are,” Zayn grinds down on Liam’s dick. He feels Zayn’s erection press against his own. He arches his hips up, needing more friction.

“You make me so horny, Liam. Just wanna please you.” Zayn whines out, rocking harder against Liam’s dick.

 “I know you do, baby.” Zayn’s eyes close, lets himself pant out loud. Liam slips two fingers into his mouth, presses them down on Zayn’s tongue. Zayn happily sucks at them, letting his teeth lightly graze at his digits, obscene noises vibrating along his skin.

“You going to suck my dick like that?” Liam asks, pressing harder into Zayns mouth.

Zayn removes his lips, leaving a trail of saliva on Liam’s fingers.  

“Going to do everything you want.” Zayn comes forward, places his hands on either side of Liam’s head. He grinds down harder against Liam’s cock, licks into his mouth, biting the bottom of his lip and pulling back as much as it will allow. “Can we go back to yours now?” Zayn pants out.

“Yeah,” Liam breathes out, pushing Zayn off him so he can collect their things.

“Can you fuck me too?”

Liam groans, grabbing Zayn's hand, while he just giggles.

 

When they get back to Liam’s, Zayn instantly drops on his knees. He gets Liam’s dick out, starts sucking at the head, like it were a lollipop and looking like a fucking professional pornstar. He pulls the foreskin back so he can lick the pre come forming at the tip. Zayn moans around his cock when Liam grabs his hair, holding him still. Zayn pops off his dick. “Fuck my mouth, please,” Zayn asks, voice already sounding rough. He goes back down and Liam closes his eyes, breathes in and out as he shoves his hips forward - keeps going until he feels his dick hit the back of Zayn’s throat.

He stares down, sees Zayn palming himself, eyes closed, content on staying there until Liam’s ready to fuck him. He thrusts his hip faster, places a hand on Zayn's cheek, feeling the thickness between his lips.

Liam feels his legs start to shake, his body radiating heat from the tip of his toes, up to the core of his stomach, so he pulls Zayn’s hair back, the tip of his dick sliding along his pink, puffy lips, coating them with leftover pre come.

“Wanna fuck you now.”

Zayn makes a desperate, embarrassing sound, far too gone to care how he looks or sounds right now, just needs Liam to fuck him.

“Yeah, please.” He pants.

They move to the bed, Zayn lays down against the mattress, opening his legs wide as Liam fumbles around for the lube. Once he finds it, he moves in front of Zayn's open legs, coats his fingers then leans down and presses a kiss to Zayn’s nose, “Shouldn’t hurt if I use two, right?” He asks, two of his fingers teasing Zayns hole.

Zayn moans out loud, and tries to push against his digits. Liam slowly presses one finger in at first, and then adds the second. He loves doing this to Zayn, watch as his fingers go knuckle deep into his pink hole. Liam could do this for hours, but his dick is hard and by the way Zayn is trembling, eyes closed and head tipped back, he’s desperate for more too.

Liam bends down, licking Zayn’s earlobe before whispering, “Ride me.”

Zayn rides Liam, hands placed on his shoulders to hold himself up, as Liam fucks up into him. “Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on,” Zayn mumbles out, over and over, stirring Liam to fuck him that much harder, hitting the spot each time. A string of mumbles, messy noises and words he can’t understand fall of Zayn’s wrecked lips.

Liam grins, “Are you cussing in Urdu?”

“Just fuck me harder, I wanna feel you deep inside,” Zayn manages out, his voice rough and low.

“Zayn, tell me. What are you saying baby, please?”

He fucks himself down on Liam’s cock and Liam swears his vision goes out of focus. Fuck, he feels he might come at any second. But first he wants Zayn to come all over his stomach, mark him like he always does when they fuck like this.

“You talk way too fucking much,” Zayn replies in short breaths.

Liam growls, grabbing Zayn’s neck and pushing him forward so they can kiss. He sucks his tongue and thrusts up hard into him.

Zayn stiffens on top of him; his dick twitches once, twice, before he’s coming over his hand and Liam’s stomach. Zayn’s panting hard, too tired to stay up, falling against his chest. Liam continues to hold him as he thrusts into him, nearly there. He feels Zayn’s hot breathing along his neck, mumbling to keep going – even though it must hurt. Liam feels the heat tingle all through his body, his balls feeling hot and heavy as they make sounds against Zayn arse. Liam arches up, hard, once more before he is coming himself.

~

“Niall gave me weed. When do you think your mum will work late next so we can do it together?” Zayn asks Liam, practically sitting on his lap, picking at his food. They’re outside today, taking advantage of the sunshine. Harry’s sitting across from them, trying hard not to gag at how clingy they are with one another.

“Maybe Sunday?” He suggests.

Zayn pouts, “Three days? I can’t wait that long, Liam.”

“You’re the one that wants to do it at my house,” Liam points out.

Zayn has no patience or sense of time. Once he has a plan in action, he does it as soon as he can. Dragging Liam along, expecting him to say yes. (Most of the time he does.)

If Liam says no, Zayn withdraws himself, suddenly gets quiet then snaps. Doesn’t reason with him, paces back and forth, twitches if he’s sitting down, and bites his nails. He tries breathing in and out like Liam taught him sometimes.

It’s difficult because he wants to make Zayn happy. Wants to say yes to everything Zayn suggests, but then the plans Zayn creates, they become more outrageous.

They used to be small (crazy) things,  _‘let’s steal a bike, so you can teach me to ride.’_  They had stolen a bike, Liam feeling guilty; he returned it after Zayn gave up, two days later. There was another time, when Zayn came to his door at 3am, and it was raining. He had dragged Liam outside, pushed him on the ground and kissed him until they were both a quivering mess.

Then things started to become more extreme, with or without Liam. Last summer, before they officially became boyfriends, Zayn had gone away for two days. Liam freaked out, texted his parents explaining Zayn’s phone died, and he’ll be sleeping over for a few nights.

Zayn was in fact, hitch hiking to London to buy a camera, had decided he wanted to become a photographer. Liam found out two days later, screaming at him, demanding how he could be so stupid to hitchhike with random people. “You could have died you fucking twat!” Zayn merely shrugged.

There was also the time; Zayn dragged Liam along to London for the weekend. Liam refused to hitchhike so they caught a bus, and told their parents they were staying at Harry’s. Liam had scored 200 pounds from his mum, promised he’d get a job to pay her back. Zayn got 150 off his mum, said Liam was poor, and needed new clothes. “Zayn! Couldn’t you have said something less embarrassing?”

Zayn shook his head, “She wouldn’t have given it to me if it wasn’t for you.”

So with 350 pounds, they ended up in London for the weekend. They snuck into a club the first night, Zayn flirting with an older guy so he brought them drinks. They went on the London eye, made out so much; people were gaping at their heavy displays of affection.  

They bought cheap water guns and had a water fight at Hyde Park.

Zayn had suggested they buy each other presents. But since they were low on money, they decided to go to the market, split up and find something for one another then meet back in thirty minutes. Rules: had to be stolen.  

Zayn pecked Liam’s chapped lips and then ran off. Liam wondered what to get him. Zayn never stuck with things for too long, so he crossed out the book cubicle he saw. He also thought Zayn wouldn’t be interested in scented candles or home-made jams, crossing them out to. He had walked past so many stores now, with only ten minutes left, he realised this was much more difficult than he expected. He was about to go back to the clothes store, steal him the t-shirt that said,  **‘I love London’** , but he spotted a bracelet, black with a silver metal piece on the front, tied up with red rope. He read the engraving, ‘The world's mine oyster, which I with sword will open’’. Liam traced the words, didn’t understand what it meant, but it was the first thing he’s found, he felt Zayn would love it. “It means the world is ours, Hun.” Liam looked up, a middle aged lady with red hair stared down at him, “William Shakespeare.”

“Huh.” he played around with the bracelet, remembering Zayn crying while they watched Romeo & Juliet.

“How much is it?”

“Thirty dollars,” the lady had said.

“Thirty!” Liam stared in disbelief, “this is a market stall, isn’t the point to sell cheap stuff?”

“Sorry kid, I don’t make them, I just sell them.”

Liam had shook his head. “No it’s fine. Like you said the world is ours.” Then, Liam was bolting away, legs moving faster than usual, ignoring the screaming in the background, adrenaline seeping in his skin. Zayn said to meet at the big pond in the middle of the park. Liam kept running, didn’t stop until he sees the fountain. He came to a halt, placing his hands on his knees, and trying to breathe. Wow. He was really unfit.

He felt someone shove him from behind, stumbles forward a bit. “Liam! I thought you died or got arrested,” Zayn shouted from behind, voice lacking any real anger.

“I’m like, five minutes late.” He turned around, Zayns face really ecstatic, the tip of his toes moving up and down.

“What did you get me?” Zayn moved forward, examining what Liam’s holding. Liam put it behind his back, “Let’s show the presents together?” He offered.

They don’t show at the same time, Zayn dropping the bag he was holding to see what Liam hands over. Zayn had screamed, jumped into his arms, wrapping his legs around his waist, kissing him everywhere, thanking him.

“Babe,” Liam laughed, looking around at the people eyeing them, ignoring them and holding Zayn closer. “Read what the engraving says.” He placed him down. Zayn read what it said - he looked up, tears forming in his eyes. Liam didn’t know it would affect him this much.

“I’m in love with you,” Zayn whispered.

Liam’s stomach had felt funny, as if his just missed a step walking down the stairs, and his whole life had flashed before his eyes, leaving him breathless and heart pacing at an abnormal speed. They’ve never said this before.

~ 

Comparing Liam and Zayn is like comparing Batman to Superman. Sure Batman’s remarkable, saving the day, rebuilding a life for himself after having a broken past, and filling the void that was left within his heart.

But Superman? He was born extraordinary, already having the ability to save the world without machines, or Edward.

Compared to Zayn, Liam is nothing, yet Zayn loves him. And in that moment where self-doubt should be creeping in, settling on his skin like mosquitoes in summer, it’s vanished. He may not be like superman, Liam thinks. But Batman’s always been his favourite anyways.  “I’m in love with you too,” he exhales out.Zayn grins widely; oblivious to the emotions Liam is feeling. He picks up what he stole, hands it over to him, teeth biting into his lips. "It’s nothing great, I’m sorry,” he mumbles.

Liam holds the book in his hand, reads the title “Mapping the human body.” He leans down, pecks Zayn softly, trails kisses over to his neck, and bites his earlobe, “It’s perfect.”

The rest of the afternoon is spent in the hotel, Zayn wanting Liam to fuck him on every available surface. The morning they depart, they leave in tangled limbs, faces sore, hearts content and an experience Liam engraves into his own heart.

 ~

“Can’t we do it at your house?” Liam asks

Zayn’s shaking his head, “You know mum is always home.” He looks to Harry, “can we do it at yours?”

“No.”

“Asshole,” Zayn grunts

“Liam!” Liam looks up, Louis walking towards them, his eyes narrowed. He slams his books on the table, “Why weren’t you in health class today?”

Liam could tell the truth, say that Zayn had begged him to skip first four periods so they could see the new Iron Man movie, or lie. “Slept in.” He turns to Zayn and winks at him, Zayn grins and winks back.

“Of course you did,” Louis says dryly, sitting down. He softly nudges Harry - who looks over, smiles then leans in to whisper something. Liam observes the way Harry shifts towards Louis, his weird obsession with constantly wanting to touch him any chance he can get.

“Anyways, health assignment is due Monday, and we practically haven’t started,” Louis turns back over to him, tone irritated.

“Fuck, I forgot about that.” Liam runs his hands through his hair. He usually has his health assignments completed long before they are due. But since Zayn has become a permanent fixture in his life, he’s been somewhat distracted.

He looks over to Zayn, his brow furrowed, mouth pointing out a pout, obviously still annoyed about Sunday. Liam tries really hard not to smile, but can’t help but feel a wave of affection run through his skin. And yeah, he really isn’t complaining about assignments being on time or not.

“Come over mine after school? I want it finished ASAP." Louis insists.

“Liam’s busy after school, Louis.” They all turn to Zayn, “we’re getting high.” He comments with a shrug, when he notices their stares.

“Zayn,” Liam drags the ‘n’ on. “I can’t babe.”

Hurt crosses Zayns face, jealousy then anger. "You knew I wanted to do this and now you’re ditching me for Louis." Zayn huffs, looking over to Louis, “why are you even partnered with Liam?”

Louis gives him a blank stare, used to Zayns attitude. “He’s sexy when he studies. Really fucking fit too. He’s jaw does this one thing when he is concentrating really hard.”

Zayn grabs Liam’s water bottle, pegs it at Louis head, “Don’t talk about Liam like that.”

“Zayn!” Liam screams, “Remember what we spoke about?”

Zayn turns to Liam inhales and exhales. "Fine, I don’t care. I’ll get high without you, another experience we will miss out on together.”

“You can’t wait a few days?” Liam argues

“I could die tomorrow Liam, though I doubt you would care. And guess what?”

Liam waits for it, “I would have died, never trying weed. And a few months after my death you will probably do weed. Maybe even with Louis here,” He tips his head in Louis direction. “I hope you can live with that.”

Zayns getting up, collecting his things, “Zayn, come on babe, you’re being really dramatic now.”

“As always,” Louis mumbles, Liam glares at him.

“’’M not.” He pushes Louis’ books off the table, “Have a blast.”

“Zayn, you twat!” Louis yells. He leans down to pick up his things.

“By the way, we won’t die.” Liam taunts after him, “a few weeks ago you said our star signs we’re gonna live a long life!”

“Star signs?” Harry murmurs to Louis, He looks up and shrugs.

“Fuck off!” Zayn screams before he's gone.

Liam groans and drops his head to the table bench a bit too hard, too distracted by Zayn’s outburst to care about the pain. At first it was never like this. Liam knew Zayn had jealousy issues, really never shying away from it.  But as the months went on, he became more possessive.

He remembers Zayn’s seventeeth birthday, Liam’s mum had let them have a small party in the garage, allowing them to drink even though nobody was legal. They were all drunk, Zayn sitting on Liam’s lap, resting his head on his shoulder. “Go talk to some people babe,” Liam urged him.

Zayn shakes his head, cuddles closer to him, “No, wanna stay with you,” he slurs a little.

“But I needa pee, go talk to someone while I go,” Zayn makes a whiny sound but hops off, “Kiss?”

When he comes back he sees Zayn laughing with Niall and Harry, so he walks over to Adrian, a kid from Zayn’s drama class. “Having fun mate?”

“Yeah, you’re mums heaps cool for letting you have this.”

“Mm, she really loves Zayn, plus his parents would have never allowed the drinking.”

“How long have you guys been dating anyways?”

“Umm, Like six-seven months?” Liam laughs, scratches the back of his neck, “I’m bad with this stuff. Don’t tell Zayn or he’ll kill me.”

Adrian laughs with Liam, “All good, mate.”

“What’s so funny?” Liam turns to see Zayn standing beside him looking between them. Zayn furrows his eyebrows, “Well?”

“Nothing,” Liam says, going to put his arm around his shoulder, Zayn shrugs him off.

“What’s your problem?” Liam snaps.

“Nothing, I’ll just leave you two lovebirds alone, yeah?” Liam watches as he walks away, grabbing the shot Harry was about to drink, and drowning it.

Liam looks to Adrian, smiles awkwardly, “I’m just gonna,” pointing in Zayn’s direction, he quickly walks away, embarrassed by what just occurred.

Liam walks up to Harry, “Where’s Zayn?”

“He took my shot, told me you’re a prick and left.”

Liam sighs, “Great.”

“He’s upstairs in your room,” Niall comes up to them. “You ruined his night, Congrats Liam.”

Liam turns to see Niall standing beside him, beer in his hand, eyes judgemental and that stupid fucking snapback he always wears, looking like douchebag, as always. “Why are you here?” he turns to Harry, “Why is he here?”

“I’m his best friend,” Niall grins, taking a sip of his beer.

Liam turns back to Niall, “Actually, I’m his best friend and boyfriend so if you don’t mind.” He pushes past Niall, ignores the stupid comment he hears.

He finds Zayn upstairs in his room, face down in the pillow. At first he thinks he’s sleeping, but he walks more forward, hears Zayn mumbling.

“Zayn.”

“Don’t talk to me,” Zayn mumbles in the pillow.

Liam sits at the end of the bed, places his hand on Zayns legs, “Why are you mad?” he asks softly.

Zayn sniffles and pushes himself up, twisting around to face Liam. His eyes are red and puffy, Liam’s heart aches.

“I’m not mad,” Zayn breathes out. “I’m jealous.”

“Okay… but why?” Confusion evident in Liam’s voice.

“I don’t know, okay! I just turned and saw you laughing with him, and then my stomach did this weird limp thing. You looked so happy without me.” Zayn’s now sobbing. Liam tries to move closer, Zayn just pushes him off, “Don’t.”

“You can’t be like this- you can’t become jealous and push me away when I do something you don’t like.”

“I can’t help it!” Zayn snaps, tugs on his hair.                                                                

“Well try, because I’m not going to stop speaking to everyone, just because you hate it.”

“Fine then, break up with me ‘cause I can’t change.” Zayn says stubbornly.

“Zayn.” Liam phe begs.

Zayn jumps off the bed, starts pacing back and forth. “I’m a little drunk okay? But it isn’t the alcohol speaking, I’m speaking from here.” He starts to tap his heart, creating a rhythm with his fingers, using his chest as the drums. Liam wonders if he realises what he's doing. “I love you, like a lot. I can’t explain it.” He points one finger up to his head, still pacing back and forth. “You consume, it’s fucking crazy because remember how I didn’t like you? Like at all. You asked too many fucking questions.” Zayn stops and looks at Liam, eyes wide, breathing ragged, waiting for his response.

He does. Zayn moved to Wolverhampton when he was twelve. He instantly connected with Louis. Liam doesn’t remember much since he preferred to stay in, being with his mum since his dad deserted them the year before. But from what Louis had told Harry, who had told him. Zayn hated how Liam was stuck up. Liam was confused; he believed he was anything but stuck up.

He shared his lunch with Louis and Harry; always let them touch his favourite woody toy even though they were too rough with him. He always helped his mum with the dishes and once covered for Harry when he broke his dad’s car window with the football. Liam remembers bits and pieces about Zayn. He never smiled at him, always rolled his eyes whenever Liam spoke, never giving him a chance to show him that he could be a cool friend. And yes, he had a massive comic book addiction and got offended when people said they don’t like batman, but he was, like, twelve.

But when they went to the zoo for a school excursion one year, Zayn forgot to bring his money to buy food. Liam had offered him some McDonald’s, Zayn shaking his head saying he couldn’t. Liam insisted, told him instead of buying one large meal, they can have a small one each. Zayn shyly took the money, and they both ate in silence, Liam even sliding over the sweet and sour sauce so Zayn can dip the nugget into it. The rest of the day they stayed side by side, impersonating the monkeys, roaring like the lions, and sulking because they weren’t allowed to feed the giraffes.

On the way home from the zoo, Zayn sat next to Liam on the bus, leaning forward, whispering into his ear, “Batman’s my favourite too.” Liam stared at Zayn, expression filled with surprise and awe. Zayns head was down but he lifted it slightly, gave him a shy smile, his tongue poking out and shrugged. Liam turned away, watching the endless grass and trees pass him by. He tried containing the smile that wanted to break free from his lips, but it was hard when he could feel Zayn’s presence. Liam slowly glanced towards Zayn, their eyes meeting, Liam swore he saw a spark flash between them. It was the moment he knew.

“Remember?” Zayn urges.

“Yes I do, bu-“

Zayn starts to pace again, rambling faster, “But then one day I woke up, and you were the only thing on my mind. And, -fuck-and you see me for who I am, you never judge me and you’re always fucking there for me.” Zayn laughs. “And I get jealous, ‘cause what happens if you find someone better than me? Where will that leave me?” Zayn’s starts crying again.

Liam gets up, pulls Zayn into a hug, “I know you can live without me,” Zayn’s voice muffled by Liam’s shirt, “it, - that scares me so fucking much. You're like my anchor, I-I don’t think I can live without you, Liam,” he hiccups the last part.

Liam holds Zayn closer, kisses his head then pulls back; he starts to kiss his forehead, down to his nose, then cheek, and lips. “Don’t ever,” he kisses his lips again, “doubt my love for you.”

Zayn’s shaking his head, “Zayn, look at me.” Zayn looks up, eyes red. Liam wants to wash away the tears, “I love you and I hate that you feel this way, even worse. I made you feel this way.” Zayns lip start to tremble, clearly holding back more tears. Liam brings his index finger and runs it across his lips, “You make me feel so alive- you literally brighten every inch of my world. I consume you?” Zayn nods, Liam cracks a smile, “you consume me even fucking more.”

He leans forward, until their noses are touching, “Whoever I speak to, laugh with. It’s nothing compared to how much I love speaking with you, laughing with you. Nothing, okay?”

Zayn closes his eyes, Liam waits patiently until Zayn’s able to speak, “I do make you laugh, don’t I?”

“Yeah,” Liam says softly, “you do.” He pulls him back into a hug. They stand together holding each other, Zayn squeezing Liam’s waist as tightly as he can, leaning his head against his chest. Liam wonders if Zayn can feel his heart, sense how fast it’s beating. He starts using his index finger to draw patterns into his back, mumbling I love you, I love you, I love you.

“I’m sorry,’ Zayn whispers.

Liam moves back, faces Zayn. He thumbs across his cheek, wipes away the tears, then leans forward to kiss him. They kiss until Harry comes barging in, “Cake time!”

~

 “List five viral sexually transmitted diseases and explain in great detail how a person can catch that certain STD,” Louis reads out.

They’re at Louis’ house now, Liam on the floor rolling his phone around in his hand, Louis on his bed trying to focus on answering the questions they should have done three weeks ago.

Louis bends over from his bed, “Liam. Liam!”

Liam clears his throat, “The most common ways to catch herpes is through kissing and oral sex. Hepatitis B is passed by having contact with someone who had the virus; just like herpes you can catch it from oral sex, blood sharing, even fro-“

Louis sighs, “Okay, fuck, stop. Talk to me.”

Liam slams his phone on the carpet, sits up so he's facing Louis at a better angle, “he won’t reply to my fucking texts.”

Louis rolls his eyes, “You baby him too much. It’s ridiculous. I don’t understand.”

“He’s moving too fast for this world, I wanna be a part of it, you know? But it’s so hard to catch up sometime-”

Louis interrupts him, “I bet he does ecstasy.”

“Sometimes,” Liam finishes off. “And he doesn’t do drugs, he tells me everything.” Liam says, offended by Louis’ accusation.

“I’m just saying, he’s always so…” Liam waits for Louis to try and find the right word, “…frantic?”

Liam shakes his head, “He just wants to live ya know? He wants to experience everything and accomplish so much.”

“Does he even do stuff you like?” Louis questions.

Liam cocks his head to the side, “What do you mean?”

“I mean, anytime I see you guys together, its Zayn with his new psychotic plans, dragging you along. It’s Zayn getting angry because you said no. Zayn this, Zayn that.”

“See, I knew you never understood us,” Liam’s frustrated now. Zayn is far from what Louis is implying, no matter how it may seem. Before Zayn came along, Liam’s life was routine. Do what was expected, come home and do it again. He was never interested in sports, though Zayn always said he should try out for the football team. When Zayn came along, he made Liam realise what he’s missing out on. Sure it’s Zayn with his plans, Liam following him, anxious at first, because wow half the things they do could get them into serious trouble. But when he’s in that moment, he feels so alive. It’s like watching fireworks up close, hearing that pop, then seeing the colours plunging up into the night sky, soon enough fading. But the difference is, Zayn doesn’t fade.

“You know that one of a kind batman collectible in my room?” Louis nods, “Zayn stole it for me. He was supposed to buy it but it cost like one hundred pounds, so he stole it.” Liam huffs out a laugh remembering how proud Zayn felt getting it for him. Liam had leaned down, whispered  _‘You’re crazy,’_  against his lips.

 _‘For you,’_  Zayn had said giggling

“He always asks his mum to make nutella sandwiches ‘cause they are my favourite. He always sneaks us into movies. We saw Iron Man today, hence why I wasn’t in health class this morning.” He ignores the glare Louis is giving him. “He takes us places and yes, half the things we do are illegal, could get us in serious trouble. I don’t care, Louis. He makes me feel things”

Liam’s trying to think of something appropriate to say, “He sees me as someone amazing, heroic… I’m not. I’m boring but he doesn’t think so. I’m comfortable with who I am, ‘cause of him, ya know?”

Louis smiles, “I guess I never took the time to understand, considering how fucking irrational he can be. But if you’re happy, it’s all that matters.”

“He’s one of a kind.”

“He peed on my school bag when we were fourteen, ‘cause I said you were shit at play station.”

Liam snickers, “I thought he hated me back then?”

“No, he hated you until he was like, thirteen and a half then you bought him McDonald’s and suddenly you became best friends,” Louis points out. “I merely forgotten,” He huffs, voice filled with sarcasm, but also a hint of bitterness.

Liam frowns, “but you had Harry, and I mean….” Liam feels uncomfortable, didn’t know this was an issue. He feels guilty; he made Zayn his whole world and forgot to let other people stay. “You and Zayn are still close.”

Louis rolls his eyes, smile playing at his lips, “I’m glad you took him off my hands if I’m being honest. Plus Harry was always my number one,” Louis wiggles his eyebrows, the good thing with Louis, was that he didn’t feel betrayed and if he did, Harry was the only one who probably dealt with it.

“Now can we please finish this assignment off so you can find your boyfriend to kiss and makeup?”

“Actually, when we fight, we just suck each other off, all is forgiven.” Liam states.

Louis stares at him, “How fucking Lovely. And people say romance is dead.”

 ~

By the time Liam gets home it’s eleven pm, him and Louis decided to complete the assignment in one go. His mum’s sleeping on the couch when he walks through the door. He goes over and puts the blanket over her, kissing her forehead.  He tip toes away, going to the kitchen to get some water and food.

He’s about to walk up stairs when his mum calls him over, “Come here baby.” her voice is filled with sleep.

“Hey mum, sorry I woke you,” he goes sit next to her on the couch, gives her a kiss on the cheek.

“Zayn’s upstairs,”  She murmurs.

Liam looks up, “What?”

His mum just smiles down at him, “He’s been here for a few hours, helped me clean the house then told me about your plan to run away to Greece?”

Liam just laughs, “I’m guessing this one is new, ignore it.”

His mum laughs quietly. It’s silent for a moment; Liam comfortable sitting by his mum side until, “Honey, is Zayn on drugs?”

“No. Why would u say that,” his voice becomes defensive.

“Hey, don’t be offended. As a nurse I see a lot of patients and he shows symptoms of someone who may be addicted to some substances.”

Liam shakes his head, getting up, “Well he doesn’t do drugs, and I know everything about him. He would tell me.”

She smiles up at him, “I know sweet, go up and see if he’s okay.”

He leans down and kisses her, “Goodnight mum.”

When he goes upstairs, he walks into his room, it’s changed. His double bed is no longer on the left side, but in the middle, his desk now on the right side. He has a washing basket near his closet, and there’s a batman poster on top of the bed. “Zayn?”

Zayn pops his head out from the bathroom, “Liam!” he runs and jumps into his arms, kissing him, and sucking on his tongue.

“You’re finally here. Look! Do you like your new room?” Zayn lets go of him, grabs his hand, dragging him to his desk. “You always have your laptop on the floor, but I cleaned your desk so now you can put it on here.”  Liam spots his laptop placed neatly in the middle, he also notices a new perfume, “I stole those for you today after school.” Zayn grabs one, sprays a couple of times, “David Beckham.” Liam sniffs the air, it smells like something spicy and manly, he likes it.  

He smiles over to Zayn, “you didn’t have to do that.”

Zayn just shrugs, like his stealing habits aren’t becoming a problem, “wanted to.”

Liam walks over to the batman poster, he turns his head to Zayn, “and this?”

Zayn comes up behind him, wrapping his arms around Liam’s waist, neck leaning over his shoulder, “that, I bought. Cost me five pounds.”

Liam turns over, places his hand around his neck, playing with the short hairs along Zayn’s neck,

“Thought you were mad at me.”

Zayn looks away, “I was.” After a few moments of silence Zayn faces Liam again, “but I shouldn’t have been. I’m sorry.”

Liam leans forward so their foreheads are touching, “Forgiven.”

He pushes Zayn down onto the bed, goes on top of him. “Want me to suck you off?”

“Yeah,” Zayn moans desperately.

“We gotta be quiet though, mum is home.” Liam sits up, starts unzipping Zayn’s jeans, and removes them along with his boxers. He starts stroking Zayns cock, tightening his grip, as he feels Zayn become harder in his palm. He places a peck onto his lips before sliding down. He kisses the tip of his cock and Zayn whimpers.

Liam sucks hard at the tip of his cock, he pulls back to lick down along his dick, until he’s mouthing at Zayns balls, he moves back up and taking as much of Zayn as he can into his mouth.

He hears Zayn moan and Liam deepens his mouth, lets himself gag, giving Zayn that ego boost that he loves.

He pulls back off, sucking back at the tip. He can feel Zayn is close, his hips trying to thrust forward, but Liam holds him down, hands pressing into his hip, leaving bruises. “Gonna come for me, baby?” Liam asks, stroking Zayn’s firm, red cock. Zayn nods, his head thrown back, hands pulling on the bed sheets, as his body starts to shake. “Fuck, you look so hot like this.” Liam goes back down onto Zayns dick, takes all of him in, so he can feel him at the back of his throat again. “ _Liam_ ,” Zayn barely gets out, as he comes down his throat.

~ 

They’re lying in bed, Liam content on falling asleep with Zayn by his side, tracing his fingers up and down his arm. Zayn will most likely watch a movie, try to fall asleep to that. He always ends up tossing and turning, unable to actually doze off. Zayn shifts, props himself on Liam’s chest,

“Liam.”

“Mm babe.”

“I got high without you. I’m sorry,” Liam hears the sadness in Zayn’s voice.

Liam moves his fingers through Zayns neck hairs, “I’m not mad, don’t be sorry.”

“I really wanted us to experience it together, but I couldn’t wait.”

“It’s okay. Who’d you do it with anyway? Niall?”

“Yeah” Zayn breathes, like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders.

Liam nods, pushes away the jealous feeling. It’s not that he hates Niall. It’s just they are so different. Niall dropped out of school after his brother ended up in prison. Bitter and angry at the world, he started drinking, doing drugs and picking up fights any chance he could. Liam felt sorry for him. But once he found out Zayn befriended him, something triggered within Liam. He’s first instinct was to protect Zayn, keep him away from Niall.

But soon enough, he realised he couldn’t control Zayn, and their friendship grew. Niall always calling Zayn his best friend, just to spite him, and Zayn oblivious to it all. Liam and Niall weren’t friends, but when it came to being around Zayn together, they had an unspoken agreement they would tolerate one another.

“Did you like it?”

“Yeah… maybe next time we can do it together?” Zayn hesitantly asks.

“Of course” and Liam means it.

There’s silence again, Liam remembers his mum mentioning Greece. “Hey, what’s this thing about us going to Greece?”

Zayn suddenly gets up, smile on his face, “How did I forget to tell you, thank god you reminded me.” He drags Liam up, Liam whines because, “No Zayn, lie down and tell me.”

“No.” Zayn pouts, “it’s better like this.” He’s jumping up and down on the mattress using his bum to shake Liam.

Liam sighs and gets up, mirrors Zayn and crosses his legs, “Shoot.”

Zayn grins, “So, after you finish sixth form, I don’t think I’m going to do it. We should move to Greece. Live by the water, get jobs in a bakery or steal from people. It can be such a great adventure for us, Liam, and after we can go to California or Australia. Somewhere with a lot of beaches,” Zayn rambles on.

“It seems like a great idea babe, but what about money and I mean… I never knew you weren’t going to sixth form?”

Zayn shifts, “What’s the point? It offers me nothing, and Liam, we don’t need money, we will have each other. You and me, babe. That’s all we need.”

“Seems like you have our whole life planned out,” Liam teases.

“I do.”

“You do?” Liam questions.

Zayn smiles, and pushes Liam back down, cuddling next to his side.

“We’d travel for a few years, but only where the sun shines. Then we’d come back home, just to say goodbye to everyone. Then we move to London. You’ll study teaching. And I’ll go to drama school.”

“Wait, you wanna act now?”

“Yeah, psychic reader was too hard, but don’t be worried, I’m still keeping track of our star signs.”

Liam laughs, “I wasn’t worried. Keep going.”

And Zayn does. He rambles on about their future. Tells Liam they’ll get married on the beach or elope depending on what their star sign says that day. They’re going to have a girl and a boy before they turn thirty. The girl will have Zayn’s independence. The boy will have Liam’s kindness. “I wish we could have babies together, I want them to look like us to. I want them to look like you.” Zayn sighed. Liam shakes his head, “you know it can’t work that way.”

Zayn keeps rambling on; Liam is in and out of sleep, missing bits and pieces. Zayn doesn’t seem to mind, may not even realise. He keeps talking even though its three am and they have school in the morning. The last thing Liam hears before he finally drifts off is Zayn mumbling, “We’re forever.”

~

Since the weed incident occurred, things have changed between them. Liam and Zayn on the edge with one another. Zayn screaming at him for stupid things, walking away angry, but returning a day or two later, kissing Liam, apologizing. Liam’s tired, confused, and angry. Usually Zayn listens to him, calms down before he snaps, but lately it’s just been too difficult for Liam to make Zayn understand. He keeps pushing, Liam keeps pulling. Zayn wants to be free; Liam wants to be free with him.

It’s two am when Liam gets the message from Zayn.

_Let me in bebe x_

Liam groans and drags himself out of bed. He opens the door for Zayn, he smells like weed and alcohol. Liam practically carries him upstairs, drops him on his bed, and quickly goes down stairs to get him some water. When he returns, Zayn is pacing the room, biting his nails.

“You okay?” Liam comes up to him, grabs his shoulder to make him stop moving.

Zayn grabs the water, skulls it down, and hands the cup back.

“I have a new plan. I know you won’t like it but I hope you think about it before saying no,” Zayn says seriously, looking Liam in the eye.

“Okay, let’s sit down.” He puts the water down on the desk then drags Zayn to the bed; they both sit on the edge, “Go ahead.”

Zayn starts to bite his nails again, and his leg begins to twitch. He gets up and starts pacing once more.

“I was at Niall’s house. We got high then drank some vodka,” Zayn stops, turns to Liam, “Nip/Tuck was on.” He continues to pace again. Liam gives him a funny look, a bit nervous right now.

“Anyways, in the episode the surgeon dude, meets this girl right? And they have sex but its kinky shit. It wasn’t even the sex but more what they did before.” Zayn pushes Liam slightly back onto the bed, sits on his lap wrapping his arms hands around his neck. “The surgeon dude, like snorted cocaine off her body.” Zayn mouths at Liam’s neck, “how fucking hot is that? We should do it to each other, Niall can get us coke. We’ll snort it off our bodies, and then you’ll fuck me.”

Liam suddenly felt sick. Was Louis right? Was Zayn addicted to drugs? Liam closes his eyes, breathes in, and counts to five. He knew Zayn and he was here telling him first. He wasn’t addicted to anything. He just wanted to experiment.

This plan wasn’t drastic like his other plans, but it just didn’t feel right to Liam. Smoking, drinking, getting high he could handle. But doing cocaine? It was a step Liam wasn’t willing to take, and even worse he didn’t want Zayn to take it either.

“Zayn,” he hesitantly starts, Zayn stops sucking his neck, looks up at him. “This is like… it’s a big deal babe.”

Zayn gets up and pushes him a little, “Knew it.” Zayn’s back to pacing, slower this time.

“Can you let me explain?” Liam pleads.

Zayn comes to a stop in front of him, “what’s there to explain? You never want to do anything together anymore, you’re always saying no!” Zayn’s angry, his tone spiteful, “You know I can do this stuff without you.”

Liam wants to mention he has.

“Yes I do, and you know I’m happy to go along with all your plans, no matter how insane they are. But I don’t like this one and you can’t be mad at me for it!” Liam yells at him, thanking god his mums at work right now.

Zayn shakes his head, “look Lia-“

“No, I don’t want to hear it. I’m saying no, so fucking respect it.”

Zayn stares at him, anger in his eyes, “you may be my boyfriend, but you have no control over me! If I want to do this, you can’t tell me not to. I just thought,  _‘hey I can share this experience with my boyfriend, imagine how fun and different it’d be’_  but clearly I was wrong. You’re stuck in your bullshit life, Liam!” Liam rolls his eyes, knows Zayn’s going to start rambling.

“You never live unless I push you. I don’t want to be trapped, okay? I want to be able to live, and never be tied down. But you,” he spits the last part, “You’re keeping me stuck with you. I fucking hate it.”

“Then break up with me for good! And if you leave, don’t fucking come back in the middle of the night asking for forgiveness.” Liam regrets the words as soon as they leave his mouth, but he’s angry. Zayn upsets him, never realises how much of an effect he holds.

“Are you breaking up with me?” Zayn asks

“No, I’m telling you that I can’t be this person that accepts all your plans. I can’t do everything, just to please you.”

Zayn laughs, “I’d do anything to please you.”

“Then accept that I don’t want neither of us to do coke? At least not now…” Liam’s tone is softer; he moves towards Zayn, who moves back.

“I’m done. We’re done.”

“Zayn.”

Zayn puts his palms to his eyes, inhales and exhales, “I don’t want to be with you anymore or-,” he waves his hands around, “Do this. We clearly want different things. This was the push we needed to see that… that it’s just not working out.”

Zayn turns to leave, Liam grabs onto his wrist, pulls him around, “Zayn, you’re talking shit now.”

He tries not to let the tears spill, but it’s hard when he feels like this isn’t Zayn being dramatic.

This isn’t Zayn guilt tripping him into something.  It’s Zayn breaking up with him for good.

“Let go of me, Liam!” Zayn screams, pushing him roughly. He stumbles backwards.

Liam hears Zayn run down the stairs, the front door open then slam shut. Once the shock wears off, he goes into bed and cries. Doesn’t even care how stupid he looks right now.

~

It’s been four days since Zayn broke up with Liam. Usually he would come back on the second day, but Liam knows he won’t. He hit a nerve in him; they pushed each other too far this time. He walks over slowly to Harry, who’s sitting on the bench chewing at his hot chips, he looks up, spots Liam and waves him over. Liam sighs, he’s over this. Harry pitting him because of the breakup, being too polite for his own standards, all because he’s scared Liam will crack.

“Hey dude, how was class?”

Liam sits down, grabs some of his hot chips, “Don’t know, just got here.”

Harry draws his eyebrows together, “What’s the point of coming to school for last two periods then?”

“Double period health class next.”

Harry nods, understands how much Liam really loves health no matter how unhealthy he is himself.

“So…” Harry tests the water, “Zayn got suspended today.”

Liam looks up, “what, why.” His first instinct is to get up and find him. See if he’s okay.

“He was forced to play soccer today because his mum didn’t write the letter she usually does or something.” Harry shrugs, “I don’t I was confused bu-“

Liam groans, interrupting Harry, “Fuck.” He puts his fingers through his hair, remembering every Thursday Zayn had PE, he despised it so much he got Liam to forge his mum’s signature saying her son couldn’t play sports today.  But since they broke up, he didn’t remember to do it.

Liam wants to laugh, he feels guilty he couldn’t be there for Zayn. Not upset because Zayn dumped him, expected so much from him. But did he though?  All Zayn wanted from Liam, is for him to be happy. Make him smile; get him out of the rut he had created for himself at age sixteen.

He made Zayn his whole world. The only reason Liam was mad, was because of the cocaine thing, which could have been spoken about in a better circumstance. Not when Zayn was high and drunk, Liam groggy with sleep at two am. Neither of them thought it through. Looking back, Liam regrets nothing he’s experienced with Zayn. It’s been only four days and Liam feels as if he’s whole world has come crashing down.

“What exactly happened?”

“The boys were being rough with him on the field. He stopped taking their shit and punched Robby.”

Liam’s heart swells with pride, knows Zayns insecure about playing sports, people in his class always giving him shit. “He deserved it then.”

“I was shocked that’s all, like usually Zayn isn’t afraid to give it back with words.” Liam cocks his head a little, not understanding where Harry is going with this. “But today he was so quiet, he wasn’t rambling, didn’t talk unless spoken to, even then he ignored the person… and he, like, looked really unhappy, Liam.”

Liam closes his eyes, doesn’t want to cry, not here, not ever. “I need to see him.”

“He’s mum picked him up, I heard her saying he’s grounded for a week.”

Liam scoffs, “That won’t affect Zayn. I’ll talk to you later, yeah.”

He starts to walk away- “Liam,” Harry calls out. Liam returns back to the table, agitated, he just wants to see Zayn right now.

“Can I see your tattoo?”

Liam makes a weird expression, wondering what the fuck he’s on about, “What tattoo?”

Harry looks confused; Liam thinks it’s funny since he’s the one who should be more confused right now. “Didn’t you get one with Zayn?”

“Zayn got a tattoo?” he’s tone slightly goes high pitched.

Harry laughs, clearly feeling uncomfortable, “Ah, yeah.” Liam hand gestures for him to keep going. “Um, it’s like an outline of a love heart on his left hip? Your initials in the middle of it...really fucking cheesy.”

“What, don’t fuck with me.”

“I’m not, he showed the boys in the locker room, said he got it done Sunday.”

Liam sits down on the seat, needing a moment to grasp what the fuck is going on. Zayn got a tattoo of him, with his name on his body? Had his boyfriend really done something so stupid like that? Liam knew he wanted to be with Zayn forever, but to have it so permanent… he suddenly feels dizzy, head hurting, heart hurting. Everything was hurting; he didn’t know what to do, he felt his chest tighten. “Harry.”

Harrys by his side, crouching down beside him, “You okay?”    

Liam shakes his head, his breathing suddenly becoming more difficult, “Water, need water.”

Harry gets up, fetches the bottle from the across the table, hands it too Liam. Liam swallows it all down, feeling less dizzy, though his insides still feel weird. “Tell me how much you want to suck Louis’ dick.”

Harrys by his side again, understanding Liam needs the subject changed, needs to be distracted so his lungs don’t explode, and his breathing can go back to normal.

“How’d you know? Am I that obvious?”  Liam nods, Harry continues, “We kiss sometimes right? Then he leaves and acts as if it’s nothing. I’m always there for him. Comforting him, but I’m so confused. I really like him, Liam. But I’m getting played and I fucking hate it.” Liam puts his hand on Harry’s shoulder, unaware his feelings cantered that deep.

“Make him see how lucky he could be to have you?” Liam suggests, feeling a bit better. His breathing is back to normal, and he knows if he stands up, he’ll stay up. Harry shrugs, looks down to the ground. “We can’t all be lucky, like you and Zayn.”

Liam scoffs, “My ex-boyfriend got a tattoo of my initials on his body. That isn’t lucky.”

Harry gets back up, sits next to Liam, and wraps his arm around his shoulder, “You know the break up isn’t forever… just go see him. I think he needs you.”

Liam gets up, “Thank you. I’ll call you later to speak about the Louis thing.”

Harry waves him off, “Pretend I never said anything.” Harry expression goes hard, “no really Liam, don’t ever, ever mention this again.”

Liam chuckles, “I won’t.”  (He will.)

 ~

Liam arrives to Zayn's house nervous. He hasn’t seen Zayn for days, doubts Zayn wants to see him or he would have come over by now. He rings the doorbell, hopes nobody will answer so he can leave and be the coward he truly is. Luck doesn’t seem to be on his side, Zayn’s mum answers the door, grins and pulls Liam into a hug when she sees him.

“Don’t you have class Liam?” she asks, eyebrows raised.

“Free period,” Liam offers, she seems to accept it and tells him he can go see Zayn but he isn’t allowed to leave the house. Liam nods, “Nice seeing you Mrs. Malik.”

“It’s been too long, sweet.”

Liam knocks on Zayn’s door; he gets no reply so walks in. He sees Zayn sitting on his bed; legs crossed staring at the wall in front of him.

“Zayn?”

Zayn looks over to him slowly, and then turns back. Liam feels sick, doesn’t know why he bothered to come, but he senses something is off with Zayn. He goes to sit on the chair in front of his desk, glides it over so he’s in front of Zayn, but not so close.

“What are you doing here?” Zayn breaks the silence.

Liam looks at him, sees the bags under his eyes are much darker. “I heard you got suspended…”

“I broke up with you, so I couldn’t ask you to write me the note.”

“I still would have written it for you.”

“It’s okay.” Zayn says calmly.

Moments pass, Liam wants to speak. But he can’t. He’s staring at Zayn and feeling like it’s another person.

“I don’t deserve you.” Zayn suddenly whispers.

“Hey,” Liam moves forward on the chair, a few centimetres apart from Zayn now, still not touching though, “Don’t say that.” Liam wants to reach over to him, remove the sadness off his face, and paint it with happiness.

“I’m nothing Liam. But you…” Zayn wipes a few tears which start to drop, “you’re going places… without me.”

“We’re going places together. You’re the one that told me that.”

“You deserve better.” Zayn repeats.

Liam’s gets frustrated now, tries not to show it and be calm for Zayn. But he hates that Zayn’s speaking like this; if anything Liam doesn’t deserve him. Doesn’t deserve his confidence, doesn’t deserve how brave he is, how he loves you completely for you who you are.

“I don’t care what I deserve, I just want you.” Liam moves forward, grabs Zayn’s hands, and kisses the knuckles which are a slightly red. Zayn tries to pull away, Liam doesn’t allow him. “How about we just agree that neither one of us feel like we deserve each other?”

Zayn looks down, “I’m sorry I broke up with you. And I’m sorry I force you to do stuff you’re not comfortable with.”

“You never force me to do anything; we just need to learn to communicate properly.”

Zayn ignores him, “I’m sorry I get jealous easily. I’m sorry I didn’t lose my virginity with you, and got high without you.” Zayn breathes in, “I’m sorry I did cocaine.” Zayn’s now crying, tears flowing out.

Liam gets off the chair, sits on the bed and pulls Zayn into his lap, tries to calm him down. Zayns head is in the crook of Liam’s neck, mumbling apologies that Liam doesn’t even understand what for.

“Stop saying sorry, babe. You haven’t done anything wrong.” Liam’s hand is moving up and down his back, drawing patterns, trying to get him to focus on something else.

After a few minutes, Zayn’s stopped crying, Liam moves him off his lap, and onto his bed. He lies beside him, Zayn wrapping his arms and legs around him like koala. Zayn’s about to sleep- Liam’s shocked since it’s only the afternoon, Zayn never wanting to nap or even able to doze off.

Zayn puts his face into the crook of Liam’s neck, kisses him once then mumbles,  _“Love sought is good, but given unsought is better,”_  before he drifts off.

~

It’d been a few weeks since the cocaine/suspension incident. Zayn and Liam were back on track as best as they could be. It’s not like Liam had to worry about Zayn’s crazy antics. He barely left the bed unless forced, never wanted to do anything but sleep or read poetry that made him cry.

Liam came over every morning, begging him to come to school. Zayn shaking his head, telling him to fuck off but that he loves him, he just needs to sleep because he’s  _so damn tired._  Liam sighs and kisses his forehead, telling him he’ll come past after school.

The ache Liam feels through his chest, hurts like a bitch. It never goes away. He hates seeing Zayn like this. He wants to know what triggered this. It wasn’t him, Zayn had reassured him. Said that Liam is the only thing that he’s got in life and that’s the part that keeps him from giving up. Liam asked if he was depressed, Zayn shook his head roughly, “I’m fine, just not feeling well.”

It’s been three weeks since Zayn hasn’t come to school. Liam forging his mum signature which says he has the chicken pox and will be out until cleared. But enough is enough, Liam thinks. Zayn can’t just waste away in his room, feeling sorry for himself, especially when there is nothing to feel sorry for. Zayn has the world at his hands; everyone is merely his prop.

“Please come to school today,” Liam pleads, he’s sitting at the end of the bed, near Zayns feet, trying to pull back the covers, “for someone who isn’t depressed, you’re acting like it.”

Zayn pokes his head from under the covers, “I’m fucking tired, Liam. What don’t you understand?”

Liam sighs, hates he has to resort to his, but, “If you don’t come to school today, I’m telling your parents you’ve been skipping this whole time.”

Zayn gapes at him, “You wouldn’t.”

Liam crosses his arms, “I would.”

 

“We have English double period,” Liam says when they get to Zayns locker to retrieve his books, “I’ll catch you up on everything.”

Zayn just nods, slowly takes out he’s books, shuts the locker and starts to walk away. Liam doesn’t have to run to catch up with him since he’s walking like a snail anyways.

“You’re never usually this tired,” Liam comments, because he’s _never_  tired.

Zayn just hums to his response; put his head down a little so he doesn’t make eye contact with anyone.

When they get into English, Harry is at the back, shock evident on his face, because, wow the last time he saw Zayn, he was getting suspended. They sit in the two seats in front of him.

“Welcome back, Zaynie,” Harry says in girly voice.

Zayn just ignores him, and rests his head on the table. Liam lets him be, he’s actually here, which is a step closer to something.

 

By lunchtime, Zayn is so exhausted Liam feels guilty for dragging him along. Zayn doesn’t smile when they sit at the lunch table, picking at his food and ignoring the questions the boys ask him.

“Joey is throwing a party this weekend, you in?” Louis asks them all, Harry agrees, Liam turns to Zayn, “wanna go babe?”

Zayn’s still picking at his food ignoring him, “Zayn.” Liam snaps.

Zayn looks up, confusion on his face. “I said did you wanna go the party this weekend?”

He shrugs, “Maybe, I don’t know.”

“I’m going to take that as a yes,” Louis says.

He rambles on about how they will get alcohol and whose house they should crash at, all agreeing Liam’s since his mum will be working late anyways.  

The bell rings for end of lunch and they start to pack their things. “I’ll wait here until school is finished,” Zayn says, not getting up to go to next period.

“Are you sure?” Liam sits back down, grabs Zayns hands. “If you really want to go home, you can. I’ll come see you after.”

Zayn shakes his head, “No point, just meet me here after.” He kisses the corner of Liam’s mouth and turns back to his untouched food.

Liam gets up, smiles down sadly at Zayn. His boyfriend isn’t the same, Liam wants to scream or cry, at him or for him, he doesn’t know. All he knows is the ache still lingers on, and maybe all those love poems Zayn reads to him are finally making sense.

 ~

Saturday’s arrived and Liam is feeling good. Well, better then he has these past few weeks. Zayn’s mood finally picked up over the next couple of days. The night before he couldn’t stop rambling about the party, how awesome he felt and that tonight would be good for both of them.

By the time they arrive at the party, it’s in full swing. People in the middle of the walkway rubbing against each other, holding plastic cups in their hands, which no doubt has alcohol in them. There are people on the sides laughing with one another, passing around bongs or joints. The bass of the music thumping around the house, making it appear like they are in a nightclub.

“Come Liam,” Zayn grabs his hand, “Niall is here and I want to get something off him before we get drunk.” Liam nods, waves bye to Louis and Harry as Zayn starts to drag him off, pushing in between the sweaty bodies.

“What do you need to get?” Liam asks, leaning against the brick wall outside, while Zayn smokes.

“Not telling you until I get it.” Zayn replies, checking his phone. He sighs, “Niall is such a twat sometimes. Does nobody understand the concept of time?” Zayn asks as rhetorical question.

Liam notices Niall walking up to them, big smile plastered on his face, a little strut to his walk and shockingly enough, he isn’t wearing a snapback. “There he is,” Liam points towards him.

Zayn looks up, “Nice of you to finally show up, asshole.”  Niall just smirks and pulls Zayn into a hug. Liam stiffens a little, moves closer to him.

“Liam,” Niall tips his head towards him. He turns back to Zayn not bothering to wait for him to say hello. Better for me, Liam thinks.

“Good to see you by the way. Where you been fucker?”

“I’ve decided to actually focus on school,” Zayn says. There’s a silent pause before both Niall and Zayn burst out laughing. Liam doesn’t get the joke. “Nah man, just been hanging low.”

Niall nods, starts taking out a bag from his pocket, “Well come over soon, yeah? I got some fresh shit I want you to try out.”

Liam feels uncomfortable, this topic a soft subject for him and Zayn.  He feels something rise in him, disgust? Anger? Jealousy? He really wasn’t sure but the feeling was hovering between his stomach and throat and it wouldn’t go away. Zayn jerks his eyes to Liam quickly, “actually, I’m not really doing that stuff anymore… ya know the hardcore ones.”

Niall barks out a laugh, “sure you aren’t bro.” Liam’s eyes narrow. “But my door is always welcome for you with or without the drugs.”

Zayn smiles, “I know.”

“How much joints you want?” Niall asks, holding three in his hands.

“Um,” Zayn looks back to Liam, “two”

“Boyfriend finally decided not to be uptight and do something with you?”

Liam rolls his eyes, puts his hands into his pockets. Zayn notices his annoyance and the smile disappears, he moves closer and puts his hand around his waist. “Shut up, yeah?”

Niall flashes a grin and hands two joints over to Zayn, “Enjoy.” He leaves, waving goodbye, “and call me!” he yells out.

The atmosphere feels tense between Zayn and Liam. Liam suddenly feels insecure about himself, about his beliefs, even his relationship. But isn’t that typical these days.

“Liam,” Zayn hesitantly says, “don’t take Niall seriously.” He moves in front of him so they are face to face. Zayn grabs his hands, forces them around his waist. “Hold me,” he pouts.

Liam gives in, sighs softly because he doesn’t want to ruin Zayns night, but something is itching at him. He wants to scratch his skin, until it’s red and raw, and the itch gone. “Do you talk about me to Niall?” Liam asks

“What? No.” Zayn says too quickly.

Liam just nods, and yeah he doesn’t want to ruin Zayns night, but now his is.

“You’re mad.”

“I’m not. I just wanna drink.” He lets go of Zayn and puts his hands back into his pockets.

“Okay.”

Liam starts to turn around, but Zayn grabs his wrist, “wait.”

He turns back around.  Zayn is rolling one of the joints between his index finger and thumb, he looks up to Liam, teeth biting his lip. “I thought maybe tonight we could get high together? Before we get drunk and all,” Zayn drifts off.

“Okay.” Liam says, because he never said he didn’t want to try that, but the way Zayn looks at him, shocked expression written over his face, as if he expected him to say no, pisses Liam off.  

He rolls his eyes, “Can you stop acting like I’m going to fucking say no all the time now?” he tries to hide the venom in his tone but it doesn’t work. “It’s getting old babe.” Now his voice just sounds cold and Liam can tell by the way Zayn’s eyes lose that spark, his back hunches, he hit a spot.

“Okay... I’m sorry.” Zayn murmurs.

Liam is taken back, he didn’t expect that reaction and now he feels like shit. He grabs Zayn's hand. “I’m sorry too. Let’s just have a good night with no bullshit, yeah?”

Zayn nods, “Please.” He gets on his toes and pecks Liam, mood now cheerier.

“We should also have sex tonight.” Zayn starts to walk, their hands still held together so of course Liam follows, “It’s been, like, weeks.”

Liam grins, “If we’re still standing up by the end of the night.”

Zayn turns around and wriggles his eyebrows, “I like any position. You know this.”

Liam just laughs, wraps his arms around Zayn from behind, rubs his crotch to his cute, tiny arse, “That, I do.” He sucks at his neck; Zayn giggles tries to break free from Liam’s hold so they can walk without bumping into people.

 ~

Hours later Liam finds himself in a corner, leaning against the wall. His body feels loose, the weed and alcohol having a pleasing effect on him then he thought.  Zayn told him this would happen, and that if he had got drunk first, before having a joint, he would most likely be in the bathroom vomiting, or passed out. Speaking of Zayn, he opens his eyes and scans around the room for him. Then remembers that he lost him a few minutes? Hours… who knows ago…

He closes his eyes again, body feeling weightless. He opens his eyes again and repeats the process. When Liam re opens his eyes, for the fifth or sixth time. He sees Harry staring at him, eyes red.

“Are you high too?” Liam slurs softly. He wonders if his speaking slowly or it just seems like his speaking slowly. He doesn’t know.

“Liam, did you even hear what I said?” Harry speaks slowly to but Liam is pretty sure that’s his usual speaking voice.

“I think?”

Harry sighs, wipes at his eyes, “I said, I hate him so much.”

Liam pouts and moves forward until his wrapping Harry into his arms. Why was he sad? He doesn’t like to see Harry sad. He’s confused but he holds him closer, lets him cry on his shoulder.

“He kissed Tyler right in front of me,” Harry sniffs in the crook of his neck.

Liam pulls back, so they’re facing one another. “Who pissed on Tyler in front of you?” Liam commands, wondering how someone could be that disgusting.

Harry groans, frustration appearing on his face. “Liam you fuck. Louis.kissed.Tyler  _infrontofme._ ” He rushes the last part out, like it hurt to repeat the words.

Oh, Liam understands. And, oh.

“I’m sorry.” Liam goes to wrap Harry in his arms again, but Harry just shakes his head, and wipes away the tears.

“Don’t be. I’m just so fucking stupid, fuck-like-” Harry's lips start to tremble, “I really like him and he takes advantage of it and I fucking hate him but- I don’t and I can’t.” Harry’s trying hard to hold the tears back. Harry is drunk. Drunk Harry and emotional Harry don’t go well together, even Liam knows this and his fucked off into Pluto or some shit.

“What do I do?” Harry asks

Liam doesn’t even know what time it is, so really he doesn’t feel like he can be a big help to Harry at this current moment.

“I don’t know Haz…” Liam drifts off, spotting Zayn near the staircase, smiles because, yes. Zayn will know what to do; he’s a little romantic at heart. Before he can tell Harry to wait while he goes and retrieves Zayn, he notices some nameless dude start speaking to him. Zayn seems interested by the conversation, their bodies leaning into one another. He suddenly laughs at something the boy said, Liam can’t hear him but he can see the way Zayn’s eyes crinkle, shaking his head a bit, then looks down. Yup. That’s a Zayn laugh. Liam feels something flare in him. And this time he knows its jealousy.

Jealousy.

“Kiss someone in front of him Haz,” Liam says quickly, looking between Harry and Zayn.

Harry shrugs, as if he’s given up, the fight no longer in him. “Think about it. If Louis sees you kissing another dude, he will get jealous and if he gets jealous then you know he likes you.”  Liam is grinning, wants to pat himself on his back, ‘cause ain’t he a smart fella.

“I mean, yeah. That could work.” Harry says, eyebrows scrunched, like his thinking of all the possibilities that could occur from this. “Do I do it now? Or-,” Harry snaps his fingers in front of Liam’s face, “listen to me!” Liam shakes his head, peels his eyes away from Zayn to focus back on Harry.

“Well obviously you do it now.”

“Okay… who?” Harry asks, scanning the room already.

“I don’t know, just find someone willing and boom.” Liam smacks his lips against Harry's cheek, then moves his lips towards his ear, “show him what he’s gonna lose, Hazza.” Liam whispers.

Harry’s nodding and smiling and nodding and Liam’s getting dizzy now. “Yeah, I can do that.” He hugs Liam, and stubbles off.

“I’ll pray for you!” Liam yells out then looks over to Zayn who is walking up the stairs with the nameless dude. He walks over towards them. He barely gets jealous and if he does, it’s not to the degree Zayn goes.

“Zayn!” Liam yells out. Zayn looks down and smiles.

“Babe,” he starts to walk back down the stairs and jumps into Liam’s arms, “Missed you.” He slurs.

Liam pushes him off, it’s the weed. No. it’s the three beers and two shots he had. No it’s the nameless dude looking down at Liam, like Zayn belongs to  _him_. “Who’s that?” Liam tips his head towards him.

Zayn looks back and shrugs, “Andrew? Angus?” I don’t know.”

“It’s Mickey.”

“Oh yeah,” Zayn giggles, “This is my boyfriend.” Zayn grabs Liam’s head and squishes his cheek against his own.

“You didn’t tell me you had a boyfriend?” Angus squints, and yes Liam knows his name is Mickey but he suddenly feels hungry, and wouldn’t mind an Angus burger from McDonalds right now.

“Well he does, so run along now.” His hold on Zayn gets a little tighter.

Angus laughs, “You’re the type that sticks with the cheating kind. Good luck mate.”  He says walking away.

Liam’s eyes narrow and he lets go of Zayn. No, Zayn wouldn’t cheat on him. He loves him. He was just going upstairs to… “Where were you going with him?” Liam questions

“I don’t know, he wanted someplace quiet to talk.” Zayn shrugs, as if what he was about to do was harmless but had it been Liam, World War 3 would have erupted.

“About what?” Liam demands.

“I don’t know, what’s with the twenty questions.”

Liam crosses his arms, “What’s with the lies, Zayn.”

Zayn mirrors him, “What’s with the jealousy, Liam.”

“Zayn. You would get jealous if I spoke to a fucking baby.” He hisses.

Zayn gapes at him, “You fucking wanker.”

“At least I’m not a liar.” Liam turns around and marches off.

Once he’s outside he instantly feels the wind blow against his skin, making his skin feel less sticky and hot. He sucks in the fresh air, feeling less suffocated out here. He looks up to the night sky, its extra gloomy, but the stars shine brighter than usual.  He puts one hand up, tries to grab one of the stars. He stays there for a few minutes, hopes Mufasa will appear from the darkness and guide him somewhere, anywhere. Liam snickers; he has finally lost the plot.

“Liam!” he hears someone call out, but starts walking, doesn’t want to speak to anyone.

“Stop walking away from me!” Liam can differentiate who the voice belongs to, knows that thick Bradford accent well enough.

“I don’t want to talk right now,” Liam calls after Zayn.

He hears Zayn running, tries to walk faster but the bloody weed makes him feel like he’s franklin the turtle.

“Liam, please.” Zayn’s behind him now, breathless.

“What do you want from me, Zayn?” Liam comes to a stop, faces him. “Did you wanna scream at me, ‘cause I called you liar? Break up with me? What do you want?” He urges.

“No…I-” Zayns stammers, expression confused, “I would never cheat on you.” Zayn’s tone is soft, filled with reassurance that Liam is too drunk and high to notice.

“Okay, thanks so fucking much for the confirmation.” He begins to walk away again.

“What can I do to get you to stop being angry at me?” Zayn pleads.

Liam comes to another stop, looks around and recognizes he’s around the corner from his house. He wonders what time it is, wonders where the fuck his heads at, because it’s not with him. Maybe Zayn took that, just like he took his heart.

“Did you talk to Niall about me?” he asks, crossing his arms.

“Yes,” Zayn looks down. “I just told him you didn’t want to do cocaine and I was upset because we just broke up and I didn’t want to break up and you were meant to run after me and I didn’t say anything bad to him, it wasn’t meant to come off that way. I was just ranting and I promise I won’t speak to him about you anymore.” Zayn rants, eyes wide and nervous. His hands doing a bunch of gestures.

“Why were you going up stairs with the dude?”

Zayn runs a hand between his hair, “He had pills okay?” He says it like his frustrated at himself, not Liam. “And I promised myself I wouldn’t do that anymore, but he was there and I just thought that-I- that maybe if I flirted a bit, pretended like I was keen, he would give me some.”

“So you would flirt with random people for drugs? Even though you have a boyfriend?” Liam questions.

“Well when you put it that way.” Zayn laughs a bit, tries to ease the tension out of this conversation. It doesn’t work.

Liam looks up to the sky again, tries to push away the tears that seem to break through. He knows he shouldn’t ask. Knows the answer himself, but he does anyways.

“Would you have kissed him?”

Zayn closes his eyes. “Maybe” He whispers.

“I hate you” Liam chokes out.

Zayn nods, grabs the end of his grey sweater so he can wipe away his tears.

It’s silent for a few minutes. The air feels colder against his skin, or maybe Liam’s just sobering up. The stars seem to be disappearing now. He looks at Zayn; wonders if he’s love for him could disappear. He doesn’t let the thought linger for long; afraid of the answer.    

“You got a tattoo with my initials” Liam points out, breaking the silence.

Zayn looks up to him, eyes red and wet, “How’d you know?-I didn’t-”

“You told everyone but me” Liam interrupts.

“I got a tattoo of you.”

“Why?”

“Because I love you so  _fucking_ much and I want you to be part of me...forever.”

~

Liam recalls when Jersey Shore used to air every Tuesday night at eight pm. It was enough time for him and his mum to watch before she left for work. His father would always complain how the show was, ‘rubbish’ and ‘just a bunch of people getting drunk, making a fool of themselves.’

He was right, but it was entertaining to watch either way. Him and his mum becoming closer-once they discovered they have a love for reality TV.  Liam remembers how he felt when Ron and Sam got together. Then broke up, and then got together again. It was a never ending cycle that had Liam rolling his eyes whenever they appeared on his screen.  He always wondered why they argued about the same issues repeatedly. Even when you assumed they fixed the problem, the next episode would air and it was the same issues being brought up.

His relationship with Zayn reminds him of Ron and Sam. Somehow, the ‘I love you’s’, the countless apologizes and the happiness never lasts. Promises we’re constantly made and deep down Liam knew they wouldn’t be kept. He wished they could promise to not make promises anymore.

It seemed as if these last few months with Zayn were just becoming  _too_  hard. Liam created this notion in his mind that things would get better. Because love fixes everything right? But weeks, months have passed and nowadays it’s become the same shit, different day.

Sometimes he feels good, lets the bitterness in him stop growing, hides it away, so not even he can access it. But then other days, Liam holds the bitterness in his hands. Wonders when everything suddenly became exhausting, scary and mean. Maybe love isn't enough anymore.

Since that unforgettable party occurred, the group has been divided. Harry and Liam angry because the ones they love hurt them and it was enough. Louis and Zayn not understanding how far they’ve pushed them this time. He thinks back to when Louis and Zayn first became friends and how easy it was for them to connect. Louis finding someone to prank people with, a friend that understood he’s irrational mind. They were conjoined at the hip, even when they got in trouble, never selling the other one out. They had each other’s back then and now.

Liam rolls his eyes as he watches them walk across from building A to B. He isn’t jealous, he’s actually fucking pissed off because both of them are stubborn and probably in each other’s ear boosting one another’s ego as if they aren’t guilty.

Harry follows Liam’s eyes and scoffs, “I bet they’re reassuring each other they aren’t wrong. Typical.”

Liam turns back to Harry, picks at his plain chips. “Has Louis tried to contact you?”

“No.” Liam raises his eyebrows. “Okay, yes he has. But all he’s given me is excuses.”

“At least he got jealous, which proved my theory.” Liam points out

“He toyed with my heart for too long Liam. It is what it is.” Harry drifts off. Liam can tell Harry doesn’t mean it. He misses Louis, not only because he’s in love with him but because that’s his best friend and the person he wants to turn to, but can’t.

“What about Zayn?” Harry asks

“What about him?” Liam plays with his food on the plate. “Anytime we try and sort things out, it just becomes worse. And he tries to justify his actions,” Liam breathes out, doesn’t want to start ranting because he’ll get more upset, but he’s just, he’s full of emotions, doesn’t know where it begins or ends. “I used to admire he’s compulsive and reckless attitude to life. But now-”

“But now,” Harry repeats.

“I hate it. It’s ruined everything. He’s so fucking insensitive and I used to think he would never hurt me. Because he loves me, right?” Liam lets out a bitter laugh, “but it’s clear he would hurt me and he has.”

Harrys eyebrow scrunch up, “Liam,” he says hesitantly. Liam looks up, is met with green eyes that hold so much innocence yet mischievous. “You both just collided into one another and neither stepped back to find a balance again.”

“I didn’t know that was a bad thing,” Liam whispers.

Harry nods but doesn’t say anything else. There isn’t anything left to say. It’s a topic that’s been brought up before and Liam hates that it’s come to this. They’ve become that couple that can’t let go but don’t give in.

~

“Liam.”

Liam looks up to Louis who puts his books down and sits in his usual spot beside him. He has decided not to speak to him since he still speaks to Harry. Although it’s difficult not to, when they have regular classes together and Louis can’t help but not talk.

“Good morning,” Liam says

Louis squints his eyes at him, “Don’t.”

Liam wants to laugh, Louis is so dramatic sometimes, it’s ridicules. “Dude, what happened to your eye?” Liam questions, tries to examine Louis’ face.

“Nothing, can-“ Louis tries to turn away from Liam’s gaze, “Can you stop fucking staring.”

“What happened?” Liam hisses, class now beginning.

Louis looks over to him, “None of your fucking business. Now shut up.”

Twenty minutes pass before Louis snaps. Liam didn’t pressure him before, knew he would crack.

“You’re boyfriend or ex, I don’t even know anymore, got us into a fight last night.”

Liam did not expect that. “What, why. Is he okay?” he urges

Louis rolls his eyes, “Calm down,” He whispers. “Yes he is, he doesn’t have a fucking bruise on his face does he.”

“What happened exactly?”

“We were at the park, Zayn wanted to learn how to skateboard and then some boys came up to us, words were exchanged then, boom, punches.” Louis shrugs as if this isn’t a massive deal right now.

“Well as long as you guys are okay then.” Liam turns back to his work, doesn’t want to make this a big deal, since clearly Louis isn’t fazed.

“How’s Harry going by the way? He still chooses to ignore my calls and texts it seems.” Louis tone sounds annoyed, but he covers it by making it a joke. “It’s been more than a week, can he just move on.”

Liam glares at him, “You’re a fucking twat, you know that?” Louis gapes at him. “How about man up and apologize for hurting him. Because we all know you like him, but you’re a coward, who can’t admit it.”

Now Louis is glaring at Liam. “How about you butt out of my fucking relationship and focus on yours. Harry and I were never together, he can’t be angry at me.”

“You knew he liked you. You led himalong. Stop trying to make excuses for once.” Liam’s voice rises, he glances around to make sure the teacher hadn’t heard.

“What about you and Zayn. I mean, you guys are both fucked up, no wonder your relationship is exactly the same.”

“Bringing me and Zayn up to change the subject of you and Harry, real smooth mate,” Liam huffs out a laugh.

Louis opens his mouth to respond but their teacher calls all students attention to the front.

“As you all know you’re GCSE exams are coming up next month, so I hope you’re all studying for them.” The class groans, reminded of the final exam before they leave school to attend sixth form or find a job.

Mrs. Prescott smiles softly, “Well I hate to be the burden of bad news, but I have one final assignment to hand out which will be due by July 10th, no later.” The class groans louder, Liam tries to hide his smile.

“Stop being dramatic- all of you. When I call out your name, come to the front to get the criteria. I have given all of you a health topic to research. If you require assistance, don’t hesitate to ask me.”

“Great,” Louis mumbles. “I fucking hate researching shit.”

“Mary Dallas- Autism.” Mrs. Prescott calls out.

“I better not get anything to do with sex” Louis complains.

Liam turns to him, “Are you speaking to me now?”

“No. You’re currently the closest person to me, that’s all.” Louis states.

“You’re so immat-“

“Liam Payne- nutrition.”

Liam walks over to grab the papers.  He returns to Louis crossing his arms across his chest. “She gave alcohol abuse to Martin.” His tone sounding more than annoyed.

“Rachel Swan- Depression.”

“Carl Teal- Obesity.”

“Louis Tomlinson- Bipolar disorder.”

Louis groans, “Great.”

“I rather have yours, mine’s so boring,” Liam says when Louis returns back to his seat.

“Since you prefer mine, I’m not giving it to you.” Louis grins.

~

The next weeks pass in a blur of studying, fighting and preparing for the summer holidays.

Liam’s mum suggests he look for a job so he doesn’t stay at home all day doing nothing. He searches but nobody wants to hire a sixteen year old who isn’t qualified at anything. Louis and Harry are friends again. Both having the answers to each other’s questions but scared of the outcome, which leaves everything unsaid. However something’s shifted, like soon enough, they’ll find their place with one another.

Zayn and Liam are still together, but it’s different. They’ve both taken a step back, maybe too far to ever return. Liam likes to pretend it’s a good thing, but the days go slower and nights become sadder without Zayn by his side.

Liam hopes they can overcome all that’s happened, but it’s difficult to be optimistic when anytime he’s around Zayn, he can smell the vodka, see the red eyes, can taste the resentment Zayn holds whenever he kisses him. They barely talk anymore, whenever Zayn finds time for him. It’s more of a  _‘hello, lets fuck because I’m horny.’_   No longer a  _“I missed you, I love you, let’s do something random today like steal a duck from the park.’_

There is a week until the GCSEs start. Zayn and Liam were meant to be studying for their first exam but Zayn got distracted, threw the books onto the ground and straddled Liam. Their kisses are getting more fierce, tongues colliding together, Liam’s hands scratching at Zayn’s soft hair, down to his neck, bringing him closer.

“No condom today, wanna feel you,” Zayn mumbles.

He brings his hand down to Liam’s pants, palms at his dick until it’s hard. “God,” Zayn moans. “I love touching you. So hard and perfect in my hand.”

Zayn removes his palm but Liam whines, grabs a hold of his wrist and brings it back to his dick, “More.”

He lets out a whimper when he feels Zayn slips his fingers down into his boxers, hand going around him. “Fuck.”

Zayn is pumping at his cock, dragging the foreskin up and down, using his index finger to collect the pre come forming.

Liam nods his head when he starts moving faster, “Yeah, like that Zayn, yeah.” He’s pulling at his hair, hips rutting up so he can get the release he needs.

“So close,” he moans.

Suddenly Zayn’s off him, chucking his clothes off. “I want you to come from my ass not hand.”

Liam studies Zayns body, the tattoo standing out against his pale then usual skin; he moves his eyes to his cock. Zayn’s stroking himself lightly, little whiny noises escaping his mouth, breathing becoming weaker. “Liam,” He pleads.

Liam jumps off the bed, undresses quickly then pulls Zayn in so their bodies and cocks are aligned. Liam traces his fingers over Zayns soft body until he reaches his ass, grabbing a handful roughly, creating more friction for their dicks.  

“Please,” Zayn begs, his eyes closed.  Liam moves his lips to his neck, sucks hard, hearing the little noises again. He looks up and notes Zayn's eyes are still closed. “Hey.” He grabs Zayn’s chin, pulls it down so their faces are levelled together, “Look at me, yeah.” Liam whispers.

Zayn leans in and kisses him harshly. He starts to roll his hips so their dicks continue rubbing. Liam holds onto his waist, fingers pressing into him, Zayn pulls back, “Need you in me now.”

He goes to push him on the bed, but Liam holds himself. “Look at me, Zayn.” Zayn looks at him then quickly drops his eyes. Liam feels his stomach drop, along with his dick.

“You can’t even look me in the eye.” Liam reaches for his boxers, currently feeling humiliated.  He sits at the edge of his bed, dragging a hand through his hair.

Zayn grabs his own boxers, slips them on along with the rest of his clothes. “You’re being pathetic right now,” he says, no trace of remorse.

Liam snaps his head up, watches as Zayn fixes himself in the mirror. “I don’t even know who you are anymore,” he says, sadness dripping off his lips.

Zayn turns his head over, “That’s not my fault, babe.” He goes back to looking in the mirror. Liam stands up, moves closer to him.

“What does that mean?” he asks harshly.

Zayn turns around so their face to face, “I was sick of feeling like shit doing things I liked just because you hated them. So I’ve decided not to involve you anymore.”

“Are you- are you serious right now?” Liam spluttered. “I’ve done everything you’ve fucking wanted. Stealing bikes, popping your neighbour’s tire because he was ‘mean’ to you. Endangering myself, so you would be fucking happy and you want tell me I’ve made you feel like shit?” Liam balls his fists, the anger rising into him, seeping through his skin, making everything but this situation fuzzy.

“You nearly cheated on me for some fucking pills, Zayn. And I’ve forgiven you. But you,” Liam laughs, just so he doesn’t cry. “You’re mad at me. You’re distant with me.”

Zayn’s looking past Liam’s face; he’s tapping his foot and biting at his nails. Liam rolls his eyes, huffs out, “You have nothing to say do you? Because you know I’m right.”

“My perfect Liam, can do no wrong.” Zayn speaks sarcastically.

“How am I wrong then?” he asks.

Zayn sighs, “Can we not have this conversation anymore. I’m sorry, okay?”

Liam knows he isn’t sorry and if they don’t work fix their relationship soon, it’ll drain them until they’re completely broken. “No. We need to fix whatever is going on.”

Zayn doesn’t respond, keeps looking everywhere but him.

“Zayn,” Liam speaks softly now. “Please, just look me in the eye.”

He moves forward so their foreheads touch, “Please.” He pleads

Zayn breathes out then pulls back, looks at Liam. He’s eyes are wet but he doesn’t acknowledge that. He wants that spark back in those hazel eyes; he wants the crinkles to come out when he makes him smile. He wants Zayn back, all of him not just the pieces he chooses to share.

“I don’t want to wake up one day and have this resentment towards you,” Liam admits. “I don’t wanna stop saying I love you, to you.”  Liam feels dumb and corny right now, but he’s watched The Notebook with Zayn enough times to know he loves the stuff that has you cringing yet  _‘awing’_  at the same time.

“Nowadays when you’re with me, I feel like you’re not there, and I miss you so much.” Liam blurts out; unable to stop some tears from falling. They’ve been held in long enough and any longer, he may have suffocated.

Zayn suddenly steps forward, embraces him tightly. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Zayn mumbles, “I’m so fucking sorry, Liam.” He pulls him closer; Liam can feel Zayn’s tears drop onto his bare skin.

“I fucked up, I always fuck up and you always forgive me.” Zayn pushes back, the tip of their noses touching. “I couldn’t look at you, ‘cause I was ashamed of myself.” Zayn closes his eyes, breathes out then re opens them. “You’re the one person I never wanted to hurt and I did.”

“I’m not worthy of your love, but I’m too fucking selfish to let you go. You’re the best thing to happen to me and I push, and push and I don’t know why.” Zayn starts to speak fast now.

“My fucking mind, it’s fucked- and don’t shake your head because it is. Sometimes-sometimes my world is colour, right? I see it in colours. I just see so much potential that life could offer me. But then sometimes I wake up and everything is grey,” Liam raises his eyebrows, “No, not literally.” Zayn silently laughs, “I mean, my mind, it perceives everything differently from the colours and I feel weak and lonely and nothing can fix the feeling.”

“I sometimes feel as if I’m not normal? How I do things compared to others.” Zayn shakes his head slightly and steps back, “It’s no excuse though. The impulsive need to do things and drag you along, it’s wrong and I’ve realised that. It’s just something I feel I can’t control.” Zayn explains.

Liam’s chest aches, he wonders how long Zayn’s felt like this,  _why_ he feels like this. He hates that he has those feelings and Liam isn’t able to fix it.

He strokes Zayn’s cheek, leans forward and gently kisses him like the first time. Nerves tingled throughout Liam’s body, his hands were sweaty, and he’s stomach welcomed more butterflies. It wasn’t quick or fast but tender and waves of emotions came crashing through, breaking down every wall he ever built.

He pulls back, brushes Zayn’s hair away from his forehead, plays with the tip, “Why do you think you feel this way?” Liam asks

Zayn shrugs, “I don’t know, but I promise things will get better. I’ll get better.” he insists.

“If I ever do something you don’t like, or make you feel pressured. Tell me, don’t push me away.”

“I’m not like you; I’m not so good with words.”

Liam laughs, “Babe, sometimes all you ever do is talk.”

Zayn pouts, “I have a wild imagination that needs to be shared.”

Liam places his hands around Zayns waist, “You know I’m happy you share them with me.”

Zayn smiles and settles himself against Liam. “We still need to talk” He murmurs into his chest.

“About?”

“The drugs-I’m,” Zayn hesitates

“You’re not addicted or anything, right?”

“Jesus, no. I want to stop though, but my body just craves it.”

“We’ll figure it out.” Liam kisses the top of Zayn’s head, nuzzling closer to him, “Promise.”

~

 _When is ur last exam?_ Liam receives the text from Louis just before he has to enter the hall.

_2day_

_I finished all mine come ova after_

_Mayb, g2g bye_

Liam turns off his phone, pockets it and hopes he doesn’t get caught with it. His exam today is science. The least favourite subject known to man in his opinion, thanking god he doesn’t have to do it in college or he may have to use some chemical reactions on himself. He scans the room for Harry, spots him and mouths good luck. Harry exaggerates the cross sign and puts his thumbs up, Liam laughs and turns back around in his seat, focusing on the instructions and the papers in front of him.

Halfway through the exam, Liam hears the smoke alarm go off. He looks up from his paper and scans the room to find out what’s going on.

“Students, leave all your things and calmly walk out of the building.” One of the teachers say.  

Liam walks over to Harry, “Is there really a fire?” He asks, because, what the fuck. He just wants this to be over, and now he’ll have to come in and redo it and that just kills his happy vibe.

“Well there better be, if they’re disrupting us through an exam.”

They all huddle outside, everyone talking over one another, people asking questions, stating they can’t even see or smell fire.  Harry nudges him in the ribs, “Zayn had an exam today?” Liam follows his eyes and spots Zayn by the tree grinning and waving Liam over.

Liam makes a confused face, “No, he didn’t.”

Harry laughs, “He is so clingy, and it would be cute, if it weren’t so scary.”

Liam shoves him, “Shut up.” He jogs over to Zayn, who's bouncing on his toes.

“Zayn, what are you doing here? “ Liam asks. He gathered they’d meet after his exam, at Zayn's house, like they planned.

“We have to go, quickly.” Zayn grabs Liam’s hand and starts to pull him.

Liam doesn’t budge, “Zayn, what happened?” Panic rises in him.

“Drake concert tickets came out, like, one hour ago and we have to get some before they sell out.”

Liam thinks Zayn is joking, but from the look he is giving him right now, he knows he’s serious. “I have an exam, I can’t just leave.”

“Your exams cancelled, I pulled the smoke alarm so you could come.”

Liam’s mouth falls open, “You’re… you’re kidding right?”

Zayn rolls his eyes, “No. So come on, I really want us to get tickets.”

“Mr Payne and Mr Malik,” They both turn their heads to the sound of the principal’s disapproving voice.

 Liam groans and Zayn tries to hide his laughter. (What the fuck was so funny about this situation?)

“Mr Payne, you are free to go home. Your exam has been rescheduled for next Monday, same time.”

He turns to Zayn, “You, young man, are in very deep trouble. What you did is a serious offensive, and I’ve already contacted your parents and the police. You’re lucky you’ve finished high school, Mr. Malik, or you’d be expelled.”

“Okay, can you tell my parents what my punishment is, me and Liam need to be somewhere right now.” Zayn says, ignoring the fact he just committed a crime.  

“Zayn,” The principal’s tone has become less harsh now. “Your parents have spoken to me, and I know there are things going on with you at the moment.” Liam scrunches his face up, what?

“But, that doesn’t mean you can get away with doing the wrong things, regardless of your situation.

Zayn rolls his eyes, “Well, if I fucking miss out on Drake tickets, I won’t be fucking happy Mr. Bell.”

“Zayn,” Liam hisses, mortified right now.

“Liam, go home.” Mr. Bell snaps. He points to Zayn, “Upstairs in my office right now, or I will make sure you get in trouble for what you did, Zayn.”

“That’s a threat,” Zayn turns to Liam. “That’s a threat, you’re my witness.”

Liam is literally speechless as he watches Zayn and the principal walk away, Zayn turning his heading laughing and blowing him a kiss. He stands there for a few moments trying to process what just happened.

Harry walks over to him, pointing his thumb back at Zayn with a confused look on his face.

“Zayn’s the one that pulled the fire alarm.” He says, like it’s not the most obvious thing.

 

 

Liam switches his phone on as he and Harry walk to Louis’s house. His mind in overdrive, everything muddled up by shock and confusion. What was Mr Bell speaking about when he mentioned Zayn’s current situation, and how come Zayn hadn’t told him there was a situation he should be worried about. Secondly, the fact that Zayn pulled the fire alarm to gain Liam’s attention, so they could go get drake tickets, really makes him reflect on Zayn and how much he’s lost the plot.

He has a text message from his mum, wishing him good luck. He also has one from Louis, telling him not to tell Harry that he’s going over his house after the exam. Oops.

The rest are from Zayn, and reading them now, Liam wishes he received them before he entered the hall.

_Goodluck 2day bebe X_

_Liam drake tickets just came out_

_I’m going 2 steal money from my parents so we can go_

_When does your exam finish?  I really wanna see him live ;( you know how much  I love him_

_Liam r u already in ur exams??????_

_Ok im coming by the school to get you_

_Ill knock on the window to get your attention or say your mum fell and she needs you_

_Or ill turn on the fire alarm lol_

_Love you xx_

 

They arrive at Louis’s house, with him yelling at Liam for telling Harry, who just borrows his eyebrows and pouts, offended by Louis and his rant. “Why didn’t you want me here?” Harry mutters, Louis twists his head to look at Harry, a fond look replacing his angry expression, “cause you’re going to whine when I tell Liam my theory.”

“What theory?” Liam questions.

“Oh god,” Harry grumbles, pushes his way past Louis.

Louis rolls his eyes, “He’s so dramatic. Honestly how do I deal with him.”

“So… what theory?” Liam asks once they get drinks and food, huddling into Louis bedroom.

“Yeah Louis, what theory?” Harry mockingly asks.

Louis glares and sips his Pepsi, “I want to know how your exam went.”

“Zayn turned on the fire alarm to get my attention, so we have to retake it Monday,” Liam casually says.

Louis is squinting his eyes towards Liam, as if he’s lying to him.

After a few moments he huffs out, “Huh.” And turns his head to Harry, raising his eyebrows. Harry rolls his eyes in return as Liam stares between the two, confused.

“How did you go on your health assignment, by the way?” Louis asks

“Got an A” Liam shrugs, doesn’t want to boast about his score, even though he does feel proud.

“Of course you did. I got a B.” Louis sighs, “I would have gotten A, had I given more detailed responses, but you know how hard my topic was?”

“I remember reading about it once or twice. Did you learn a lot?” Liam asks, generally interested to hear what Louis has to say.

“I did actually…” Louis’ tone abruptly turns serious, “made me take a step back and see a bigger picture on things.”

“Cool…” Liam drifts off, the room suddenly filling with an awkward silence.

“I think Zayn has a bipolar disorder.” Louis suddenly states

“Wha-”

 “Do you guys wanna go see a movie? Lets go see a movie.” Harry cuts Liam off, voice raised.

Louis rolls his eyes, Liam’s still confused.

“Louis, what do you mean?”

“I think that new movie with Channing Tatum came out,” Harry continues to speak, ignoring Liam’s annoyed gaze.

“Shut up, Harry. Louis, you think Zayn has bipolar disorder?” Liam asks, impatience wearing thin.

“Yes.” Louis doesn’t hesitate to say. “I’ve done a lot of research on this, okay? Even when I didn’t need to, and like, there is such a connection between Zayn and this disorder.”

Liam laughs. Actually laughs out loud, stomach rumbling, mouth open, eyes closed, laughing. He opens his eyes, Harry and Louis giving him a funny look. “You’re really dramatic, buddy.”

“Liam, I’m being serious here.” Louis’ eyebrows are scrunched, mouth in a thin line, “this isn’t meant to be funny.”

“You can’t just diagnose someone because Google tells you. You’re not a doctor, don’t say shit like that, yeah?” Liam’s tone becomes defensive, as if it’s a natural instinct.

“I’m not saying I’m a doctor.” Louis gets up, Liam follows. They stand in front of one another, face to face. “But your boyfriend may have something going on with him. Deeper than what you assume, is ‘uniqueness.’”

“Let me guess, Google says he’s crazy because he likes to do reckless things?” Liam mocks

Louis shifts, stance going taller. “Actually, Google says, your boyfriend dumping you, but getting a tattoo of you on his body the next day, is a sign. Google says, when your boyfriend starts to take up heavy drugs, it’s a sign.” Liam swallows the lump in his throat, stepping back when Louis moves forward to poke him in the chest. “Google says, when someone’s mood can instantly change, within minutes, hours or weeks. It’s a sign.”

“Stop talking, yeah?” Liam says harshly, a threat in his tone. Louis catches it and raises his eyebrow.

“I think the reason you’re acting this way, is because you know it’s a possibility.”

“You know what’s a possibility? Me punching you in the face,” Liam hisses.

Harry gets up now, moving in between them to put his hands on both their chests, pushing them further away from one another. “Guys please, neither of you are qualified to make assumptions as serious as this.”

“Tell that to Louis, the one who always has to over- fucking -analysing shit.”

 “Me?” Louis points to his chest, anger increasing in his voice. Liam balls his fists and clenches his jaw. He was on the edge and one more push, he would fall and nothing was going get him back up.

“When I told you me and Zayn went skateboarding and we got into that fight. Why do you think we did? He fucking stole it from one of the lads and wouldn’t give it back. Then he went to Niall’s house and he snorted cocaine,  _then_ , he went manic, Liam.”

Liam flinches at Louis’ tone; it’s no longer angry, but scared. A sadness to him he’s never heard.

“He wouldn’t stop rambling and walking back and forth, and  _I know_ , Zayn always does this. But not to that extent- not with me anyways. He wouldn’t stop crying; swearing and then he wouldn’t stop laughing. He scared me, and I wanted to call you but he begged me not to.”

“Louis-,” Liam doesn’t know what to say. He feels sick, nothing making sense.

“Liam, he’s special to you, I get that. But this is more than you and your relationship.” The last words sting Liam, leaving him open and bruised.

“I nee- need to go.” Liam stutters out.

“Liam,” Harry says softly, grabbing his hand. He looks into the green eyes that are pleading him to stay, to be calm and not do anything stupid. He twists his head a little, an apology hangs off his tongue, but he can’t find the words to say. He just needs to get out of here before the walls close in on him.

Liam runs out, doesn’t stop running. The tears burn behind his eyelids. Why was he crying, he doesn’t understand. This was just an assumption Louis had made, it didn’t mean it was true. And yet, with every denial Liam reassured himself, his heart disagreed. The heart that longed for Zayn. To see him and comfort him and ask him all these questions that seem to abruptly burn at the tip of everything he ever assumed was real.

Zayn.

Zayn with his wide smile and love for animals, dogs in particular. Zayn with his soft touches when you’re upset, because you’re dad left and you don’t know what you did to make him go. His reassuring eyes and comforting tone explaining to you, that you didn’t do anything; your father just didn’t see how amazing you were.

It was always Zayn.

~

Liam immediately turns on the laptop once he gets home, and impatiently waits for it to load. Once it’s loaded he types  _‘bipolar disorder’_  into Google and starts to read the information provided into Wikipedia. Not satisfied with that site, he moves onto the next which then gives him a direct link to ‘bipolar disorder symptoms’

Liam regrets opening the page; he’s lying down on the bed, but suddenly feels faint. He’s not a doctor, he repeats over and over as he reads the signs of someone who is living with bipolar disorder.

 _Acting recklessly without thinking about the consequences -_ I’m not a doctor.

 _Racing thoughts; jumping quickly from one idea to the next -_ I’m not a doctor.

 _Sleeping very little, but feeling extremely energetic_  - I’m not a doctor.

 Liam feels his stomach churn; palms sweat once he reads ‘alcohol and drug abuse.’ He laughs but nothing is funny. He pinches himself to make sure this is not a dream, feels the pain burn his skin and embraces it. He needs to feel this so his thoughts don’t enter places where they may never return.

Liam thinks back to Zayn at age fifteen telling him they should never smoke because it’s disgusting and,  _‘My baba say’s we will get cancer.’_  He pointed out Zayn’s dad smokes, which Zayn responded with,  _“He said that’s because he’s stupid.”_

He thinks back to Zayn’s impatience to try weed, to try cocaine, to cheat on him for some pills. He wonders what else Zayn has done and how much. He wants to grab a bucket of ice cold water and pour it over himself, wash away this itching feeling that’s swimming in and out of his body, unable to stop the bad sensation.

Liam breathes out and goes back to reading. The more he reads, the more he places a memory with the description.

 _‘Reduced need for sleep’_  Now it makes sense why Zayn never sleeps, yet has the most energy in the morning.

 _‘Irrational’_  Liam loses count of all the times Zayn got mad at him for disagreeing with his plans. For dismissing some ideas he had. Those moments making so much fucking sense now; Liam doesn’t know how to comprehend what the fuck he is feeling.

 _‘Rapid thinking and speech’_   Well then. Liam used to think Zayn speaking fast was natural, never thought anything of it, but now. Ok, Liam looks around the room, making sure there are no cameras hidden as some cruel joke.

 _‘Increased sexual desire’_  Liam chokes, now it made sense why Zayn was always horny. A small part of Liam’s insecure, selfish side comes out, wonders if Zayn has cheated on him. Wonders if he’s slept with someone while they we’re together, and even when they weren’t.

Liam keeps reading, all of Zayn’s actions making sense. The plans to live in Greece, become an actor, write a novel, to read fucking star signs, it’s all making sense. To steal rather than buy, to skip school and hang with Niall or strangers, to hitchhike to fucking London, every tiny detail is connecting.

Liam continues to scroll down and reads  **‘signs of bipolar depression’**  he quickly scrolls back up to see what he had read before which was,  **‘signs of mania.’**  Liam blinks at the screen shining back at him, taunting him with this information. He wants to break the laptop and every item in this household that can gain access to the internet.

He scrolls back down, swiftly skims through the introduction of depression in bipolar diseases which is completely different to mania symptoms but definitely not different to Zayns behaviour.

 _‘Fatigue or less of energy’_  Liam thinks back to the time when he had last seen Zayn sleepy, the only memory coming to mind is after their break up, when he got suspended from school and was miserable after that for weeks.  

As Liam proceeds to read, ‘feeling hopeless, ‘sad or empty’ ‘feelings of worthlessness and guilt’ ‘loss of interest in activities enjoyed before’ his mind can instantly link the moments with Zayn.

I am not a doctor, he repeats out loud.

He isn’t a doctor when he reads up on mania and bipolar depression together, (which is called mixed episode.) No, he isn’t a doctor when he reads how mixed episodes can have the person happy one minute, then extremely unhappy the next. Everything continues to fit but Liam doesn’t want them to, and he doesn’t understand why. So he keeps telling himself he isn’t a doctor.

 _“Sometimes my world is colour,”_  Liam remembers Zayn telling him.  _“But then sometimes I wake up and everything is grey.”_

From colours to grey

From Mania to Depression

From bed to bathroom because Liam’s about to vomit and he’s in no state to clean up, so he dashes to the toilet and barely vomits, just wants whatever is crawling inside of him to leave. Once he’s sure he can sit up, he brushes his teeth and splashes cold water over his face. He returns back to the scene of the crime and shuts off the laptop, falling into bed. It’s only nine thirty but Liam feels so damn exhausted. And guilty, and upset, and stupid and he isn’t a doctor and Zayn doesn’t have anything wrong with him and what did Mr. Bell mean when he said he understands Zayn’s situation and why did Zayn pull the fire alarm, and why was Liam so selfish, he couldn’t admit that, maybe, there was something wrong. Louis was right; this isn’t about him or his relationship. It was about Zayn. He wasn’t a doctor, but maybe you didn’t need to be one to see.

Finally, Liam drifts off to sleep, the last thought of Zayn,  _‘I sometimes feel as if I’m not normal’._

~

 “Mum and dad think I’m mental.”  Liam swallows a lump in his throat, wants to scream you’re not mental.

“I’m sure they didn’t mean it.” Liam reassures Zayn.

“No, they did. Their words were, ‘You’re sick Zayn, and we need to figure out what’s wrong.’”

“Seeing the doctor may help you find out why you have those weird feelings all the time…” Liam is hesitant to speak about this topic. He doesn’t want Zayn to think he isn’t on his side, but at the same time, he wants to know if Zayn does have something wrong with him, or if everyone, including himself, are being dramatic.

“Or, it will just give my parents a reason to keep me trapped.”

“Next time, don’t pull the fire alarm and you won’t get grounded.”

“Next time, reply to me.”

“I was in an exam.” Liam deadpans.

“Yeah well,” Zayn shrugs, “I’m grounded, you have to retake your test and we don’t have drake tickets.”

Liam jumps and wrestles Zayn, tickling his stomach, “That’s your main concern?” Liam laughs into Zayns neck, easily holding him down as he tries to escape from his fingers.

Zayn giggles, “My main concern is, why aren’t we naked.”

Liam rolls his eyes but removes Zayn’s t-shirt, growls at him playfully. Zayn just giggles more.

~

 On Thursday night, Liam goes over to Zayn's house. He hasn’t returned his calls and had promised he would right after his appointment with the doctor.  When the door opens for him, Zayn's mum puts her index finger to her lips, signalling for him to be quiet and follow her. Liam does what he's told.

They end up in the laundry room. Liam suddenly feels uncomfortable, his chest becoming tight and stomach doing weird flips and turns. Zayn's mum smile down at him, but it doesn’t reach her eyes.

“Um, Mrs. Malik… what’s going on?”

“Zayn’s not well Liam,” she speaks softly, as if she doesn’t want to hurt him with her confession.

Liam plays dumb, tries to prolong where this conversation is headed. “Oh, did you need me to go get him some cold and flu tablets? My mum should have some, or we could call her and see what she says.”

Zayn's mum has a sad smile written over her face, “Sweetie, I didn’t mean in that way.”

“Right,” Liam just mumbles, crossing his arms.

“Do you ever notice anything strange about Zayn, sometimes? Like, maybe his mood changing quickly, or doing irresponsible things?”

Liam wants to laugh; because of course he has noticed everything with Zayn. He just never knew it was bad, never knew someone who shined so bright, had to have something wrong with them.

“Apart from the usual, nope.” He pops the ‘p’ and hates that he’s becoming defensive, when this is Zayn's mum and she has every right to be concerned.

“Please Liam, things could get worse. Zayn won’t tell us anything, and we know he’s lying.”

Liam looks up and watches tears start to swell in her eyes- can see she’s afraid, upset and confused, just like Liam. But it’s worse, because that’s her son, her Zayn and Liam can pretend Zayn belongs to him, just like he belongs to Zayn, but in the end he can’t hold the power his mum rightfully owns.

Liam leans back against the washing machine, closes his eyes and sighs, “What do you want to know?”

~

 Liam doesn’t see Zayn after the conversation with his mum, too ashamed with himself for going behind his back. Zayn hasn’t tried to contact him either, he doesn’t expect him to.

It’s a Tuesday when he gets the message from Zayn,  _will you still love me when im no longer young and beautifulllllll_

He types out  _yes_  instantly, goes to press send but another message comes in,  _it’s a lana del rey song, miss u xxx_

 _Miss you 2 when can I see u?_  Liam waits for a reply that never comes. He wonders if Zayn knows he told his parents the truth. Apart of him feels like he doesn’t know, because if he did, wouldn’t he have confronted him by now, screamed at him, broken up with him.

 _Love you_ Liam sends hours later. Because he does. 

Liam loved Zayn for everything he was and everything he wasn’t. Zayn wasn’t patient or anything of the above. He was stubborn, moody, selfish, unreliable, emotional, didn’t care about his surroundings or how the choices he made could impact a lot of people. No Zayn only cared for himself, Liam the exception, because as Zayn had said,  _what’s the point in living life if the one you love isn’t beside you?_

Zayn was the rainbow after a rain shower and the moon that lit up the whole sky. He was everything you hated, but everything you wanted to be.

To Liam, Zayn was the 206 bones in his body, all the nerves connecting together. He was the lips and teeth when he smiled. He was the legs and feet when he ran, he was the heart that sometimes beat too fast, made him want to slow down but he was also the blood stream that kept it going.

To get to the point, Liam realised no matter how much he believed he didn’t want Zayn in his life, supposed it was too much complication, not worth the energy; he just wouldn’t be the same without him.

Zayn shared his wings with Liam so he could fly, and Liam never wants to give them back.

~

 “I think we should be boyfriends.” Liam leans over the bed, Zayns on the ground, lying flat on his back. His hands and legs are spread out, like a snow angel.  Zayn looks up to meet Liam’s eyes.

“You wanna date me?” he asks.

“Yeah,” Zayn turns away, stares up at the wall, “We’d be good together.”

Liam goes back to lie on the bed, stares up at the wall too. To have Zayn actually confirm he wants to be with Liam, makes him grin, heartbeat pound faster and stomach begin to form those stupid butterflies. He’d always thought they’d be good together too.

“We can hold hands, kiss each other and I could be like, ‘that’s my boyfriend, Liam.’” Zayn rambles on, “Don’t touch him.”

Liam laughs, “Always so possessive.”

“You make me feel things, Liam.” Zayn gets up and sits on top of him, thighs on either side of his waist. Zayn slowly grazes his fingers along Liam’s jaw, eyes locked with his. Liam feels his breathing become quicker, tries not to show it, in the way his chest raises up and down.

He places his hands on Zayns waist, lets his fingers lightly press into him. Zayn bites the bottom of his lip and cups both of his palms around Liam’s face. Zayn’s leaning forward, lips barely brushing over his own, as Zayn whispers, “Wanna be my boyfriend?”

“Always have,” Liam breathes out, finally pressing his lips to Zayn’s.

~

Relief is what Liam feels once he’s finished with his last exam as a high school student. He walks outside and even if the sun isn’t shining today, it’s not raining which helps improve the mood. He’s walking when he spots Harry and Louis leaning against the fence. He jogs up to them, coming to a halt when he notices the look on their faces.  Liam’s mouth suddenly feels thick, and he has this bad feeling. “What’s wrong?”

“Zayn’s missing,” Harry says with no hesitation, “his parents have been looking for him since yesterday and nobodies heard anything from him.”

“Since yesterday and I’m just hearing of this now?” Liam yells out, because what the fuck. He quickly goes to his favourites on his phone and selects ‘zayn baby’ it rings five times then cuts off to voice mail. Liam ignores Harry and Louis’ pity gazes; their soft murmur of pleads and continues trying. He groans out, panic and frustration filling each nerve of his body, “why isn’t he answering me?”

“He’s ignoring everyone,” Louis says, his phone out as well.

“Maybe his hurt,” Liam run his fingers through his hair. “Did you try Niall?”

Louis nods, “He hasn’t heard from him either.”

“Fuck!” Liam shouts out.

Harry comes forwards, places a hand on his shoulder, “Just breathe, Liam.” Liam closes his eyes, tries to relax himself.  “He will be okay, we just need to all stay calm and look for him, okay?”

“Okay.” Liam breathes out. He opens his eyes and watches Louis on the phone, eyebrows scrunched as he concentrates on listening.

Liam tries to call again but no answer, he decides to message Zayn, desperation at the tip of his fingers-

_Babe can you answer ur phone, I miss you wher r u?_

_I love u pls answer_

_Can u at least message me, so I know ur ok_

_Ur killin me wtf zayn please_

_;(((((_

_Ill still love u even if ur old and wrinkly_

_U will always be beautiful to me_

 ~

Times like these Liam wishes he drove; it would be much easier, and faster than walking. His legs are tired, entire body is drained out, and the only thing that keeps him moving is Zayn.

After Louis had gotten off the phone, they went to Zayn's house. His mum and dad both hugged him, whispering sorry over and over. He didn’t understand why they were apologizing, until they told him the reason why Zayn ran away. They want to send him to a hospital, a mental one, for patients like Zayn, who have a disorder. Bipolar disorder.

Apparently Zayn needs proper treatment until he can adapt to the illness. Liam laughs, hasn’t Zayn been doing that his whole life then? He got on fine without doctors and pills, so why should they force him to start now.  No wonder Zayn ran away, Liam would have run away with him if he could. But Zayn hadn’t called him, because he went behind his back. He broke the trust they rebuilt. No matter the reasons, Liam should have spoken to him first, no matter how scared he was, no matter how weak he felt, he should have been there for Zayn, but he wasn’t.

Liam wipes his eyes; he doesn’t want to start crying. Its dark now, the only light available is from the street lamps and houses. His phone vibrates and he feels hope seep into him, until he doesn’t see the name he wants to see, and the feeling quickly disappears.

 _please come home babe, we’ll look again tomorrow. Promise._  Liam rolls his eyes and replies with  _no, stop messaging me mum I need 2 save battery Love u_

_Liam where are you???? Let me come with you. xx_

_Sorry haz, I just needa b alone tell me if u hear anything ok_

It’s half past eleven when Liam admits defeat. He’s been around in circles now and still nothing. Maybe Zayn hitchhiked to London again, or maybe he’s at a party, high and drunk, laughing with strangers, kissing them and fucking them, because he can.

“Liam!” Liam stops and turns his head to the right, to see Niall across the road sitting at a bus stop. Niall waves his hand over, and Liam wants to know what he's doing at a bus stop, alone. He walks over and sits beside him but neither of them speak, Niall doesn’t seem to mind. He takes out a cigarette and offers Liam one. Liam takes it; this might give him some release.

Niall snickers as Liam inhales the smoke; he feels his chest loosen up a bit, “What?”

Niall shakes his head, “Nothing man, I just remember Zayn telling me about the first time you both smoked together.”

Liam remembers that day, feels like a lifetime ago. “Of course he did.”

Niall looks to him, no trace of resentment, jealousy or anger in his eyes, just sadness. “He just needs time.”

Liam inhales again, then blows out through his mouth and nose. “He has everyone worried sick.”

Niall laughs, “Its Zayn, I doubt he even notices bro.”

“What did he say about us smoking our first time?” Liam asks a few minutes later, it went silent again but he didn’t like it.

“Said it made him horny,” Niall winks at him, Liam blushes. “He never shuts up about you. He just rambles on and on. I don’t think he knows what he says half the time.”

Misery is the first thing Liam feels when he hears that, and usually he would find that funny and cute of Zayn.  _So typical._ But now, he knows why he does it, and Liam doesn’t know how to feel, everything feels out of balance.

“I know you’re not circumcised.”

Liam chokes on the smoke he just inhaled, Niall starts to laugh as he pats his back, “See man, don’t think Zayn realized he was telling me that.”

“Please don’t tell me what else you know.”

Niall grins, “I won’t.”

They enter another silence, its comfortable this time and Liam should find it unusual that they are being civil with one another, but he knows it’s for Zayn.

“You know where he is, don’t you?”

Niall gets up and Liam follows. Niall’s head is tipped a little to the side, eyes gazing at him. He feels exposed under Niall’s observation.

“He’s at West Park.” Niall finally speaks. Relief floods into Liam’s body, and finally, he feels like he’s getting somewhere.

“Thank you thank you, thank you,” he chants as he grabs Niall, bringing him into a tight hug. “This means a lot.”

Niall shoves him off, but it’s playful, a grin at the tip of his mouth, “Take care of him.”

Liam nods and starts to walk off- will run if he has too. “Don’t tell him it was me who told you, or I’ll kill you, Liam!” Niall yells out after him.

 

Why didn’t Liam think of West Park before? So fucking stupid, he thinks as he steps in through the gate. There is no light at the park, but the moonlight doesn’t make it impossible to see. He doesn’t want to scare Zayn, but he doesn’t want to lose him either.  He takes his phone out and dials Zayn’s number. He holds his breath, prays it’s not on silent or off. He hears the personal ringtone Zayn has for him, _‘I will never find another lover, sweeter than you, sweeter than you’_ Liam smiles, of course Zayn chooses something as cheesy as that.

He slowly walks over to the bench he heard the sound come from, can see brightness from what is obviously Zayns phone shining back at his face.

_Miss u so much_

Liam watches as Zayn reads the message, wipes at his eyes but ignores it.

_miss the way u bite ur lip, miss the cuddles u always give me, miss ur messy hair_

Zayn ignores the message again, and then puts it away.

_zayn I can see u stop ignoring my texts_

He watches as Zayn takes out his phone again, as he’s turning and looking at his surroundings. Liam walks over, as Zayn gets up. “Don’t go, please.” Liam pleads.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Zayn pushes his chest, looking over his shoulder.

“Nobody is here. Just me,” he reassures him.  Zayn’s eye narrow then he crosses his arms.

“What are you doing here?”

“I’ve been worried sick about you, everyone has been.”

“Yeah, well… I needed to be alone.”

“Could have told someone you were okay,” Liam mumbles, feeling small under Zayns angry gaze.

“You told my parents I hitchhiked to London? That I’ve done drugs?” Zayn is shaking his head, like he still can’t believe it. “How could you do that?”

“I was worried about you, Zayn. I wasn’t thinking and I’m so sorry.”

“Yeah, well sorry is too late when I’m being sent to a mental hospital.” Zayn replies, bitterness seeping out of his tone.

“I won’t let them send you.” Liam promises.

Zayn laughs, “You’ll be the first to send me away, don’t act like you don’t want this.”

Liam steps forward, Zayn steps back. “I want you to happy and safe, and god Zayn, even if you were forced to go, I’d make sure you didn’t.”

Zayns bottom lip starts to tremble, Liam wants to reach out, hold and protect him from everything.

“I’m crazy,” Zayn whispers.

Liam takes a deep breath, and exhales, “You’re different.”

“I’m sick.”

He tries to find the words to tell him that they will get through this, together, like always.

“You’ll get better.”

Zayn looks down and then up again, eyes locking with Liam’s. And fuck-Liam’ scared, so fucking scared, he’s only sixteen, and life is throwing him obstacles from left to right, repeatedly terrifying him and making him feel trapped in his own world. He has no idea what to do anymore.

“I’m scared,” Zayn whispers painfully.

“I am too."

 

Liam listens to the wind blow against the trees, the leaves falling down and flying away in different directions. He hears the swing set moving back and forth, the odd car drive by once every while. He hears Zayn breathing as he’s pressed up against his chest, feels Zayn's voice vibrate into his bones as he speaks. He feels both their laughter fill the silence the park holds.

They’ve been sitting at the park bench, laughing and throwing kisses in between as Zayn speaks to Liam about everything, other than the real issue at hand. He’s just told Liam he wants to write a comic book. “You’d be the hero in it.”

Liam smiles while he brings Zayn closer towards his chest, wanting every inch of their bodies touching as much as they can. He asks for more information, Zayn shakes his head, “you have to wait until it’s finished.”

“How were your exams?”

Liam nuzzles his face into Zayns neck, “Shit, as always. But finally we’re no longer high school students.”

“We’re growing old.” Zayn pouts.

Liam laughs, “Babe, we’re still teenagers.”

“Life will pass us by quickly.” Zayn shifts in Liam’s arm, turns his head up so they can make eye contact, “I’m so scared, Liam.” Zayn says it again, dips his voice.

“You’re the bravest person I know, how can you be scared?”

“Because,” Zayn whispers, “all this time, I thought I was different because that’s who I am. Who knew it was ‘cause there is something wrong with me.”

“This doesn’t have to stop you from being who you are, Zayn. Look at it as having more control of the feelings you will get, and understanding why.”

Zayn sighs, but doesn’t reply and Liam leaves it. He won’t push for this conversation. It’s on Zayns terms now.

“My doctor asked me all these questions, that I had to reply to,” Liam hums, letting Zayn know he’s listening.

“Have you ever cut yourself? Have you ever overdosed? How many people have you had sexual intercourse with? How many people have you unintentionally hurt? What makes you happy?” Zayn mocks. “It was so overwhelming and he really knew how to make me angry.”

“Was he doing it by purpose?”  Liam asks

Zayn shakes his head, “No, it’s just my natural reaction.”

“Um, we did speak about you,” Zayn says. “I told him you were the person I always hurt, but didn’t want to.”

Liam wants to console Zayn, tell him it’s okay, but maybe that’s not what Zayn wants to hear.  So he sits still and lets him continue.

“The doctor said that was normal, that, um.” Zayn coughs, “that my natural instinct is to fall for someone like you.”

“Like me?” Liam whispers

“Someone who would let me be myself, like, be free, and won’t say no to me,” Zayn shakes his head, “that came out wrong. What I mean is that, like. Out of everything, I don’t love you because of my disorder. I love you, because you are the only colour when my world is grey. And if I only wanted to be with you because of my disorder, then you wouldn’t always be colour, Liam.”

Liam feels the tears fall down his cheek, he wants to move and wipe them away, but doesn’t want to ruin the atmosphere. “But I hurt you and if you stay with me, I won’t be able to control that. So if you don’t want to be with me, I’ll understand.”

Liam wraps his arms around Zayn harder now, kisses along his cheek, down to his neck. “We can work this out together.”

“You’d be willing to stay with me, even though I’m going to constantly be a letdown.”

“You won’t be a letdown to me.” Liam whispers, tongue flicking across Zayns ear lobe.

Zayn wiggles out of his grip, moving forward so he’s away from Liam. Confusion crosses his face, “Zayn.”

He watches Zayn breathe in and out a couple of times, before he turns around, facing Liam.

“You know I’m not going to take the pills, Liam. They can’t force me.”

“I know that- don’t do anything you don’t want to.”

“But you’re saying you will still stay with me, knowing I’m refusing the pills which will help me keep my emotions in control, meaning I’m less likely going to fuck us up.”

Liam bites his lip, laughs a little, “Guess so.”

Zayn goes to speak but Liam’s phone vibrates against the bench, “I swear I didn’t tell anyone where I was.”

 _Are u ok? It’s like 1am and ur mum is worried sick and so am I. xx_.

“Who is it?” Zayn asks

“It’s Harry,” Liam quickly replies back _, tell my mum im at yours sleeping now and ill explain everything later. Gnight, im fine._ “Just told him to cover for me, don’t worry nobody knows where we are.”

“Liam,” Zayn says

Liam continues speaking, because he doesn’t want Zayn to think he’s lying, “I won’t ever go behind your back like that again, and if you want we can both run away, so you’re-“

“Liam!” He stops and looks at Zayn.

“I believe you,” Zayn says laughing and breathes in, “and I think- I think I’m going to go to the hospital. Give it a go; see if they really can help me.”

Oh. Liam didn’t expect that. “Are you sure, you don’t feel pressured by me, right?”

Zayn smiles then moves forward, until his sitting in Liam’s lap, hands around his neck. He kisses him softly, let’s his chapped lips slide along Zayns. He moves his hands to hold Zayn’s waist, brushes his fingers underneath his clothes, feeling how soft the skin is against his own.

“When has anyone ever told me what to do?” Zayn mumbles between their kisses.

Liam moves back, searching Zayn’s eyes. Even in the darkness, he can always see the sparkles nobody else, including Zayn, can’t see. “Why then?”

Zayn hovers closer to Liams face, flicks his tongue against his lips, wetting them more, then smiles, “I always wanna be the colours in your world, that’s all.”

 ~

“Liam, it’s not that hot to-,“ Louis stops speaking, Liam raises his eyebrows at him, feeling exposed under Louis’ glare/gaze, he isn’t sure which one.

“What?” Liam snaps, throwing his singlet to the grass.

“When you told us you were going to start to working out, I didn’t think you meant until you looked like the fucking hulk.” Harry moves beside Louis, observing Liam’s body.

Liam blushes, “I’m not that big now- I just- you kno- I have a bit more muscle now, that’s all.” He stutters out, because now both Louis and Harry are staring at him, and he’s comfortable and proud of his body but he doesn’t like this much attention on him.

“You have abs,” Louis points his hand out, “you have like 4 or 6 pack of abs and you’re only seventeen.”

“It wasn’t easy, if it makes you feel any better,” Liam offers, because it wasn’t. This summer he decided to get fit. It was hard at first and he realized just because you had a small body figure, doesn’t mean you were healthy at all. The first two weeks were hell. He craved foods he never thought of when he was able to eat them, he couldn’t run ten steps without stopping to catch his breath. But then after the two weeks, he was able to run longer than five minutes without feeling the stitch on the side of his stomach. He was able to enjoy healthy food and not miss hot chips, Pepsi and pizza. (Most of the time anyways)

“It doesn’t make me feel any better,” Louis deadpans

“You’re really tanned too. We live in England, how does one get a tan like yours?” Harry asks

Liam shrugs, “I’m outside, literally every day.”

“Maybe I should go for runs with you,” Harry thinks out loud. Beside him Louis groans, “please don’t. ‘Cause then I’ll have to start too, just to keep up with your body.”

Harry turns to face Louis, “you know I love your body. Don’t ever change it.” Liam watches as Harry places his hands up down Louis’ curved waist, leaning down to kiss into his open mouth.

Liam rolls his eyes fondly.

They finally stopped being stubborn and admitted their feelings for one another. Liam only found out because he caught Harry on his knees in Louis’ bedroom one night.  He was even lucky enough to hear Louis mumble, ‘Harry’ and witness his come face.

They of course, didn’t seem to think it was a big deal and once they fixed themselves up, they told Liam it was safe to come back into the room.

“Why didn’t you guys tell me?” Liam had asked, because apparently they’ve been dating since the end of high school.

Louis shrugged as Harry looked down, “We just didn’t think it was a big deal, that’s all.” Louis had said, and Liam finally understood.

“I wish you guys told me. You know I’ve always wanted this for you both, and no matter what’s been going on, this would have been great news to hear, not upsetting-”

“Well, surprise!” Harry had shouted.

Louis and Harry are still sucking each other’s face off, mumbling words in between. Liam’s pretty sure he hears, ‘bend’ ‘shoulders’ and ‘wide’ and decides to leave them alone.

“Mum!” Liam calls out when he gets inside, she yells back from the kitchen.

“Can you go to the shops and get more Pepsi; the boys are saying there isn’t enough.” Liam asks as he leans over the counter, picking at the food surrounding him.

“I told you, you will need more. Just because you don’t drink fizzy drinks anymore, doesn’t mean everyone else is going to stop.” Liam rolls his eyes, “okay, you’re right. Will you please get me some?” he begs. “The others will be here soon, and it’s my birthday…”

His mum turns around, eyebrows raised, “don’t use the ‘it’s my birthday’ card on me. I’ll go, but only because I feel sorry for your friends.”

Liam grins and walks over, planting a kiss on her cheek, “For being so amazing, I’m going to start giving you fifty pounds a week.”

“You’ve been meaning to do that ever since you got the lifeguard job.” His mum states, Liam grins once more then runs off. He was meant to be giving his mum more money but he loves to spend too much plus he really needs to start saving.

Three weeks into the summer holidays, he found a job at the pools, cleaning the changing rooms and serving food. Two weeks later, a lifeguard quit and Liam applied for his position. Of course he has no experience in saving lives, but after some drills with the manager, he proved himself worthy for the spot. Hence why he was so tanned- the sun may not be shining within the sky, but it doesn’t mean it’s not there. Being out in the sun eight hours a day, seven days a week will get you tanned, sun or no sun.

Liam heads back outside; he watches Louis and Harry laughing together, as they fill up the water balloons. Louis puts them safely in the bucket, and then steps back to take his shirt off. Liam notices how tanned his skin is, even if Louis has always had that nice shade of brown to him, the summer sun has defined it more. He snorts as Harry licks his lips, unable to help himself.

“Should I be getting jealous?”

Liam spins around to see Zayn standing there, hand on his hip and a slight smirk to his face as he raises his eyebrows, “then again, I know Louis isn’t your type.” Liam laughs and moves forward, wrapping his arms around Zayns waist, picking him up and licking into his mouth.  

Zayn grabs a hold of his hair, scratches at his scalp, and then runs the tip of his fingers down along his neck. He feels sweat forming in between their bodies, but can’t care when Zayn wraps his legs around him, hoisting himself up more to get a better grip in his arms. Liam sucks Zayns tongue in his mouth, let’s them twirl together.

“Happy birthday gorgeous,” Zayn says pulling back and pressing two quick sweet kisses to his lips, then wiggles around to get out of Liam’s grip.

“Fuck, Liam. Zayn wasn’t lying when he said you’d been working out.” Liam snaps back into reality, resisting his eyes away from Zayn’s beautiful smile, beaming back at him, like he’s so proud to call Liam his.

Liam scratches the back of his neck, “Thanks Niall.” Niall comes forward and wraps his arms around Liam; “Happy birthday, mate.”

“Thanks buddy” Liam smiles and takes the vodka out of Niall’s hand. They were friends now, no trace of enemies existing. There were no awkward conversations to be had, they somehow fell into a mutual friendship and it continued to grow all summer.

“I’m gonna go talk to Harry and Louis,” Niall says pointing behind them.

“Here take this, they’ll be happy to start it.” He hands Niall the vodka, then steps back over to Zayn.

Zayn who is still standing there, wide smile on his face, never taking his eyes off Liam. Zayn with his new haircut, the tip of his fringe dyed with blonde, hanging over his forehead, covering some of his eyes unless it’s gelled. Zayn with his red board shorts that show off his slender legs and his black singlet, showing off his growing biceps that glisten with sweat.

He removes his singlet and throws it off in the other direction, biting his lip when Liam touches him. Liam looks down and sees the tattoo stand out against Zayn’s brown skin. He smiles softly and traces the tip of his fingers against the initials that will forever be inked into Zayns skin.

Zayn moves his hand forward, mirrors him as the tip of his fingers begin to dance along Liam’s ribcage. He feels Zayn trace along the lines of his tattoo. Feels the way he curves in, then out, then slightly over, tracing the outline of the batman symbol until he reaches the beginning. Then he presses his thumb into the **Z** , that’s inked in the middle.

“You always do that” Liam licks his lips, “feels nice though.”

“It’s my favourite thing, Liam. Still can’t believe you went and did it.”

Liam shrugs, like it’s no big deal, though he nearly shit himself getting it done. Even when the tattoo artist was questioning him, probing him repeatedly, “are you sure you want to get this tattoo? Bit much don’t you think?” Liam wanted to scream out yes, yes, yes over and over.

Because yes, he was stupid getting this really corny tattoo for his boyfriend, but fuck it, this was his first pay check and he hadn't seen Zayn in a month, and he really fucking missed his boyfriend, so really, he was absolutely sure he wanted to do this.

“You don’t understand how much I’ve missed you.” Liam takes Zayn’s hand in his own, rubs his thumb up and down Zayn's hand.

“And people call me the clingy one.” Zayn teases

“Very, _very_ clingy. So clingy, you’re never leaving my sight again.”  

Zayn grins widely at him, “I like that plan.”

“Speaking of, where’s that comic book you promised me so long ago?”

Zayn pouts, “I lost inspiration and threw it out.”

“Why,” Liam whines, “You should have shown me what you already had.”

Zayn sighs, “Okay, I didn’t actually throw it out. I might show you it one day.”

Liam knows the chances of Zayn actually finishing the comic book are nil to none. But he continues to encourage him, believe in him and the concepts he creates. He may never get the comic book, and Zayn may never take those acting classes, and they most likely won’t be living in Greece, but as long as Zayn hasn’t given up on himself, Liam finds no reason to give up on Zayn.

He leans forward and pecks Zayn once, before murmuring, “I’ll be waiting.” Liam lets his fingers play with Zayns fringe, pushes the tips through the roots, itching the scalp lightly.

“You always are,” Zayn slowly replies, voice filled with admiration, like he can’t believe Liam is still here.

Because he actually believed Liam would have given up by now.  Would have walked away once Zayn went into the hospital.  Would have never returned when Zayn told him to fuck off, because Liam was begging with him to take the pills and Zayn didn’t want too, complaining it made him feel sicker.

He believed Liam would have never called again when Zayn had told the nurses he didn’t want Liam seeing him anymore. Liam unaware of this information and getting escorted out by security when he refused to leave.

But Liam was still here, they both were, and he knew it will never be an easy road. There were going to be days when Zayn will refuse to take his medication, refuse to compromise. Days when it will become too much for Liam, and he just needs time off for himself. There were going to be hard times, Liam knew this- has experienced enough to know what type of ride he’s in for. But it didn’t matter how difficult things we’re going to get, because even in the greyest of times, he knew their colours will never fade.

 

**Author's Note:**

> i'd like to say, that i researched this disorder before writing about it, and obviously it won't be completely accurate, but i tired to keep to what i read as much as i could. i took that part very seriously and made sure i done as much research before i wrote about this topic.
> 
> comments are lovely and hope you enjoyed.


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